Ideas for having fun and improving the quality of her life

1. Call just to chat

2. Hat Shower –give a shower for your friend. Have everyone bring a cool hat.

3. Take up a collection and buy a day of house cleaning, window washing or carpet cleaning.

4. Cook a healthy meal for her family on chemotherapy days. If she likes to cook, bring her fresh herbs and vegetables for a treat.

5. Drop by with a milkshake or another treat that’s easy on her tummy.

6. Ask if you can drop by with a funny movie and popcorn.

7. Arrange for a day of babysitting for her children, or take them home for the afternoon.

8. Drop by to do some laundry, do her dishes, or just keep her company.

9. Pick up her “to do” list and complete her errands (groceries, post office).

10. Call just to chat

11. Shampoo her hair or massage her bald head with lotion.

12. Add her to your church’s prayer list, with her permission.

13. Accompany her to her doctor’s appointments or chemotherapy to serve as a second set of eyes and ears, in addition to a hand to hold.

14. Go wig shopping—try on crazy colors (the crazier the better).

15. Call just to chat.

Taken from  www.breastfriends.com  Visit for additional ideas.

As this woman moved away from me and my ultrasound picture, another kind friend came toward her. This gentle person sat beside her and told her she was not alone. The two of them spoke quietly for a long while. Graciously God provided a person who could help this young woman process some of the pain she carried.

I knew people had abortions, yet I was surprised to find that the young woman who abruptly left my side was one of them.

Statistics from the US Department of Health and Human Resources say that in 2005 one out of five pregnancies ended in abortion (excluding miscarriages)*. If these numbers are even close to accurate, then most people in the US know a woman who has had an abortion. This painful truth is one that shepherds must be prepared for. A woman grieving this kind of secret shameful loss often stifles her pain. She may believe that communities of faith will not accept her and might even spurn her. Baby showers, birth news and common things like Sunday morning children’s choirs can cause a woman to feel a rejection that pushes her further from healing. The unexpected rebuff isolates a woman who is already deeply hurt.

Believers are often passionately pro-life, but may not be sensitized to the needs of the woman who regrets her decision to abort. When churches stop at anti-abortion and do not move toward reality and forgiveness, the woman suffering with post abortion symptoms is left holding her pain. She may believe that God will refuse to forgive her.

Help is available, resources such as http://www.portlandheart.org/index.htm  (gives a checklist of common symptoms of Post-Abortive Stress) and http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/post-abortion-syndrome.htm  (gives a brief description of common symptoms and guide sufferers toward help). As the church moves to embrace the woman who made the decision to abort, there will be discomfort. This is hard and many people have been hurt—but the process of acknowledging sin and accepting God’s forgiveness will produce great joy. This brings to mind the story from Luke 7. The woman who was forgiven much has a greater depth of devotion to give to her Healer.
____
For more specifics on understanding and caring for a post-abortive woman, see “Abortion Recovery” by Mindy Johnson, Chapter11 in Shepherding Women in Pain, Moody Publishers, 2010, p.139 ff.

*http://www.cdc.gov/reproductivehealth/Data_Stats/Abortion.htm

• the newborn baby leaves the warm, nurturing environment of his/her mother’s womb
• a child loses the security of home on his/her first day of school
• a pet dies
• Grandma and/or Grandpa die
• a schoolmate dies
• a friend moves away
• high school graduation
• a girl or boyfriend says “goodbye.”

As we grow older we may lose a parent, a child, a sibling, a spouse, a job, or the house. There may be a financial loss or the loss of one’s reputation.

Loss of anything of value causes emotional pain, often with physical symptoms. Grief is a response to that pain. It is the process of putting back together the pieces of a broken heart. It is hard work and often misunderstood.

Things happen that we might not expect. The follow lists a few of these.

Physical effects
• exhaustion
• loss of appetite
• sleeping problems
• lack of strength
• weight loss
• headaches
• breathlessness
• palpitations
• weight gain
• aching arms
• restlessness
• blurred vision

Emotional and/or psychological effects
• denial
• guilt
• anger
• resentment
• bitterness
• irritability
• disbelief
• loneliness
• hallucinations
• sighing
• nightmares
• concentration on problems
• failure to accept reality
• preoccupation with the deceased
• times confusion
• memory lapse
• emptiness
• fear
• poor concentration
• crying spells
• sadness
• sense of failure

Social effects
• withdrawal from normal activity
• isolation (emotional and physical) from spouse, family and/or friends

Spiritual effects
• Withdrawal from (or increased) religious activity
• Consolation provided by belief or Scriptures
• Searching for evidence of an after life
• Change in priorities or values
• Seeking meaning in the loss itself
• Wavering of faith
• Examining the meaning of life
• Anger direct at clergy, religion or God
• No longer knowing what one believes
• Feeling like one is not supposed to have fear or feelings of grief if trusting in God

Additional grief effects
• Suicidal thoughts
• Use of medication (sleep and/or nerves)
• Feel protective of others, refraining from talking about the loss
• Assume traits and mannerisms of loved one
• Feel presence of loved one; dream of loved one
• Cry easily and unexpectedly; sometimes sob convulsively
• Feel shortness of breath, heaviness in the chest
• Feel as though the loss never happened; lack a sense of reality
• Feel sense of guilt over things done/said or not done/said in the relationship
• Preoccupation with life of the deceased
• Feel a need to talk a lot about the loved one including events surrounding the death
• Mood changes uncontrollably
• Feel as if “losing one’s mind.”
• Feelings of guilt when healing occurs and grief subsides

 Understanding some of the signs and symptoms of grief will enable us to have a better awareness of those experiencing grief. This will likely open the door for effective shepherding.

---by Annette Gildemann, who serves as Chaplain at a medical facility in the Northwest

The grief and emotional agony a wife experiences when she discovers her husband’s sexual misconduct overwhelms her and leaves her reeling.  She feels unable to cope with the crumbling truth she thought her marriage stood on.  As the pieces of her life fall around her, she feels as if her whole world is disintegrating, and she’s helpless to hold it together.  

Discovering emotional or physical infidelity is a form of death.  You cherished and trusted this man enough to let him know you fully—emotionally, physically and spiritually.  Now that man has broken your sacred trust, and when he did, something died.  You can no longer turn to him with the certainty that he will value and protect the intimacy you shared.  You can no longer go to him, knowing that when others reject you, he will still hold you precious and dear.  Your loss is real and it slices your soul.  

Through eyes clouded with pain, one woman told me, “It would have been easier if he had just died.  At least then I wouldn’t feel like a fool.  I wouldn’t have to live with the knowledge that he broke his commitment to me—that he betrayed me when I trusted him (Means, 124-125).

The impact of infidelity is so life-altering that many have to revisit the building blocks of self worth.  Dr. Pamela Reeve’s book Faith Is concisely and profoundly states, “Faith is…remembering I am God’s priceless treasure when I feel utterly worthless.”  Each hurting woman’s story is unique and affirming the deeply personal nature of God’s care is vital.  Many Christian friends may remind a wife of God’s love, but fail to factor in the subtle ways sin and society strive to counteract spiritual reality.  At these places of pain a biblically solid support group may be an option for rebuilding self-esteem and reasserting God’s value of the individual.  

As a person is sinned against, often their negative responses hurt themselves.  Things like substance abuse, sleeping the day away, sexual unavailability, addiction to romance novels, intractable anger and/or obsessive volunteerism are often used to create good feelings, numb the pain or work as protective devices.  These strategies need to be gently unearthed and shown for what they are at the appropriate time.  Because these problems are varied and complex, this may be a good time to refer the wife to professional counselors or addiction support groups. Shepherds are needed to walk alongside the woman as she processes these responses. 

Co-Dependency

Marsha Means’ book Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars gives helpful insights and first-hand accounts.  It provides valuable assistance for those working alongside a woman grieving loss in her most intimate relationship.  Those shepherding women in pain must courageously take some uncomfortable but necessary steps.  While never blaming the woman in pain for the infidelity she has suffered, one may ask questions to determine the possibility of codependency—something shepherds may overlook—when journeying with the woman toward health.  

While not every marriage crisis has a codependent base, considering this dysfunction at the appropriate time gives the shepherd solid tools to work with.  The wife should be encouraged to look at how she copes with difficulty in relationships and from where these strategies may stem.  Having carefully investigated this, one can then offer new techniques for personal and relational growth.  

Forgiveness

The issue of forgiveness is thorny at best.  Many who have been victimized have also suffered from wrong teaching about forgiveness.  While taking the opportunity to really hear the deep hurt of the wife, one must both validate the pain and gently look at her coping methods; often then the shepherd will uncover false ‘forgive and forget’ messages.  

Responses to false ‘forgive and forget’ messages vary as much as the women in pain—you may see apathetic behavior, fiery indignation or something in between.  This is a great time to investigate what true forgiveness is not.  Tolerance of sin, acceptance of false blame and erasure of wrong-doing are not components of godly forgiveness.  

Deep forgiveness allows for no lying, no cover ups and no coping strategies.  It does not force the victimized person into relationship with the person who hurt her but it does allow for a healed relationship and marital reunion. When the shepherd takes time and uses caution, this honors the woman in pain with the opportunity to work through this crucial process.  Forgiveness is a process and working through the long slow steps to embrace honesty about the offenses is a critical component of that process. (See more on Forgiveness, “When Will Life Be Normal Again?” Shepherding Women in Pain, pages 27-34, Moody Publishers, 2010).

Many churches struggle with acknowledging the reality of both separation and divorce among believing spouses who have experienced sexual infidelity. Often a divorced or separated person can feel relegated to second class.  A three-second web search will lead you to pages and pages of Bible studies about God’s hatred for divorce.  Doing a similar search for Christian divorce will not result in the same number of positive hits, but those who desire to shepherd women in deep pain must look carefully to scripture for answers and have more than a cultural reaction to marital dissolution. If both husband and wife are willing to work through their own personal issues first, independent of the marital issues, there is a greater likelihood of a restoration of the marital relationship in the near future.  

One who is privileged to tread through difficulty with a person struggling with infidelity may also have the blessed opportunity to participate in transforming beauty. This will certainly take time. The formerly grieving woman has the potential to drink in the esteem of her eternal Shepherd in a unique way because of the shock and shame she has been through. If she needs to shed codependence or embrace forgiveness, her renewed relationships will show fresh promise. Her new healthy lifestyle can become a force for change in her community.  Shepherding this woman in pain may result in rejoicing alongside her as she makes wise choices for her future. 

See also, "Pornography: Help for Wives Who Have Been Betrayed by Spousal Involvement in Pornography," Chapter 19. Shepherding Women in Pain, Bev Hislop, Moody Publishers, 2010.

_________

 Written by Jan Marshall,  Director of Shepherd's Door, Women's Ministry of Portland Rescue Mission. See chapter 14, "Homlessness," in Shepherding Women in Pain for more on this topic. You may contact Jan at janm@pdxmission.org

So I headed down and found the back room of the chapel all set up with warm tubs of water, soothing sweet lotions, plastic gloves, clean white towels and stools for us to sit on.  We made our way out onto the street to find the women.  We found three…Sheila, Christy and Angela.  I got Angela.  She hesitated to come with us and I hesitated to encourage her because she was drunk and angry.  She muttered the whole way as she followed us into the back room.  I hoped the environment would calm her down.  She didn’t want me to touch her feet but was hesitantly willing for me to rub her tiny cold hands.  I effortlessly tried to communicate but she cried, yelled and mocked my efforts.  Several times I was able to break through her protective shell and thought maybe she would trust me a little but it was short lived.  Finally, after 10 minutes, it seemed we were both spent.  I didn’t feel like trying anymore and she simply got worse instead of better.  We had to have her escorted out. 

I felt like a failure.  I was there to show patience and love but didn’t show much of either for Angela.  I returned to my little bench deflated and embarrassed.  As I sat there doubting whether or not to ever show up again I heard someone say, “You did good.”  I looked to my right and there sat two homeless women with their cold feet in hot tubs of water and their chilled hands cupped around hot mugs of coffee.  The most memorable picture, however, was their faces.  There I saw compassion.   They wanted to comfort me.  “We couldn’t have done as well as you did.”  I felt their love and authenticity.  Deep within me love and gratefulness welled up for these comforters.  It was as if Jesus was saying to me that I had done well after all. 

Showing up to meet these incredible street women, even the angry ones, is a call to serve and build relationship with those that are deemed unlovely by society.  Is it sometimes difficult and uncomfortable?  Yes.  Is it always appreciated?  No.  Not by everyone. But…It doesn’t matter.  Does the unexpected happen?  Sometimes.  Who would have thought that God, in His perfect timing, knowing it would be a confusing and difficult night for me, would choose two kind street women to show His approval and love. 

Written by Jan Marshall,  Director of Shepherd's Door, Women's Ministry of Portland Rescue Mission. See chapter 14, "Homlessness," in Shepherding Women in Pain for more on this topic. You may contact Jan at janm@pdxmission.org

“Hurry up! We’re going to be late!” I yelled impatiently at my four-year-old son as I snatched him up and almost threw him into the car.

The last few months had been a nightmare. I kept hoping I would wake up to find it was all just a bad dream. Without warning, my husband of thirteen years abandoned me for a younger woman. My world came crashing down. I was shattered. Barely surviving. The concept of even beginning to pick up the pieces was as far away as God. Or so it seemed.

I had always believed in God, and could sing all the verses to “Jesus Loves Me.” Where was He now? Where was all that love He boasted? I was all alone fighting for my life and for my son. Where was justice? Right triumphing over wrong? Fairness was a cruel joke.

That night I was taking him to spend the weekend with his dad. Every time I left my little boy, it ripped my heart out. I dreaded the unbearable grief and agony. Little did I know that this particular evening would be different.

On the way we made a brief stop at the mall. As we left, my son squealed with delight when he saw a sheriff’s car parked out front. He ran toward it quivering with excitement. The deputy greeted us with a warm smile.

“What’s your name?” he asked as he bent down to meet my son.

“Kevin.”

“Nice to meet you, Kevin and Mom. I am Deputy Randy.” Knowing every little boy’s heart, he asked him if he would like to sit behind the wheel.

Kevin was in heaven. Propped up on his knees, he gripped the steering wheel and made vroom, vroom noises. Then to top it off, the deputy let him turn on the bright red flashing lights. Kevin beamed with ecstasy. My heart melted.

After helping him climb out, the deputy opened the trunk, eyes twinkling and said, “I have something for you.” He lifted out a big brown teddy bear with a sheriff’s badge.

Stooping down, he looked into Kevin’s eyes and said, “This is for you because you are such a good boy.”

All I can recall after that was fighting back the tears, driving in silence, as my little boy sat next to me clutching that big brown bear.

“Why did he do that, Mommy? Why was he so nice? Why did he give me this big bear?”

I managed to choke out the words, “I don’t know. I guess he thought you were pretty special. And I do too. I love you.”

“I love you too, Mommy.”

Leaving him that night was just as painful, but somehow my burden seemed lighter. A little more bearable.

The next day I sent a thank you note:

Dear Deputy Randy,
You will never know how much your kindness touched my son and me last night. Kevin’s father left and we are in the deepest darkest valley we have ever known. The way you reached out to my little boy will never be forgotten. And the big brown bear will always be a treasure to him. Thank you for letting God use you to give us hope.

As I wrote that letter, I realized that God was there. He had been all along. Only I just wasn’t looking. He showed his love through this person in a way that He knew we needed. In a language a four-year-old could understand.

Now many years later, I have learned that one way God loves us is through other people. And now that many of my broken pieces have mended, I want to be one who pours out His love to someone else in pain.

For the last 16 years, that deputy remembered Kevin with cards and gifts and visits…even a ride-along. My son is now 21. He has graduated from the Police Cadet Academy, and is completing his college degree.

Guess what is still sitting on his bed?

_______

"A Bear with a Badge" is published in Formerly a Wife and also Chicken Soup for the Soul: Divorce and Recovery. Reprinted from Formerly a Wife by Welby O'Brien, copyright © 1996, 2007 by Welby O'Brien. Used by permission of WingSpread Publishers, a division of Zur Ltd., 800.884.4571.

If there is a difference between who you are being and who God created you to be there will be conflict, and that conflict will cause pain.

A person exists in three interrelated and inseparable realms: spiritual, emotional, and physical. She may seek healing prayer because of a persistent need in one or more of those realms. Whether it is a physical or emotional pain, she may have exhausted her resources in traditional healing methods just like the woman Jesus healed from being subject to bleeding. Sometimes the pain cannot be traced to a specific realm since they are interrelated. An emotional trauma can find expression in the physical body, and a spiritual break in relationship can manifest itself emotionally. God heals the brokenness by restoring the person to wholeness in all three realms.

The healing prayer process involves a three-way conversation between the person, the intercessor, and the Holy Spirit. As the person and intercessor talk, the request is made for the Holy Spirit to direct the conversation as needed. The intercessor may ask Him to reveal the specific need or pain to be addressed, the source of that pain, and the truth the person must hear to be healed. When God speaks truth to the person it transforms her mind and allows her to understand her identity as God intends.

Challenges to our God-given identity come from faulty conclusions that we draw. The steps are these: 1) I observe 2) I interpret 3) I conclude 4) I choose 5) I act 6) I am. A misinterpretation or erroneous conclusion will cause me to make an unwise choice. My identity is formed by the things I believe and the actions I take as a result. For instance, a person may be called a drug addict (identity) because she uses drugs (actions) and relies on them (choices) to fill some need (conclusions).

Harm Done To Us
Trauma and abuse can be underlying reasons for broken identity. When a woman is harmed by the sinful choices of another it opens the door for misinterpretations and faulty conclusions. A woman who has been victimized may take part of the blame for what happened, or accept responsibility for something outside of her control. She may believe something to be true about herself that is in conflict with God's truth. Such beliefs as: “I'm guilty,” “I'm shameful,” or “I'm unlovable” will negatively influence every interpretation and conclusion, leading to pain.
God brings the truth to the woman through healing prayer. Such truths as: “I have washed you,” “I accept you,” or “I love you” provide a new frame of reference, leading to healing and peace. There may be an act of obedience indicated by the Holy Spirit during this type of prayer session, such as the woman forgiving the one who hurt her. As she releases the sin against her, she is able to receive the new truth that frees her.

Harmful Choices We Make
Sinful choices will put a person's identity in conflict with God's design. These choices can come from the rebellious spirit of the sinful nature, or from being deceived by the evil one. A false identity is more susceptible to harmful choices, even when that identity is the result of harm done to the person. For instance, a person that has been abused may not have healthy boundaries. From that position of vulnerability they make a series of destructive decisions. The actions that follow form a sinful identity, and pain ensues.

God brings the truth to the person through healing prayer. A new way of seeing things, a new image of who she is in Christ, and an understanding of acceptability are often descriptions of the new truth given. There may be an act of obedience indicated by the Holy Spirit in this type of prayer session as well, such as the person confessing her sin and asking for forgiveness. As she feels the release of the guilt, she is able to accept the new truth that sets her free.

Hearing from God
Healing prayer is an act of faith, and hearing from God is the response. The intercessor prays for guidance and truth, knowing that God desires to answer that request specifically and tangibly. God fulfills His promises when we trust Him to do so. We ask God, and then confidently wait for His answer.

Most of the time the intercessor will ask God to reveal His truth to the one requesting healing. God will speak to her in words, thoughts, pictures, or feelings. When this happens the truth is more readily received by the heart of the person. For instance, a friend or trusted adviser may tell someone she is not guilty since she has asked for forgiveness. Even when the person believes it in her mind, she may not know it to be true in her heart. However, if God reveals to her the truth of her forgiveness, it will be received.

Healing prayer ministry is an exciting calling. Intercession is meaningful participation in what God is doing as He renews the mind and transforms the identity of His created child. The role of the intercessor is to be a witness, to give testimony to the healing, and to join in giving glory to God.

________
Jules Tadema and Calvin Tadema, pastor and church leader, offer healing prayer through their ministry Masters Mind Ministry, www.mastersmindministry.org

Typically a couple will call a pastor/counselor for marriage counseling but that may not be what is needed. They feel pain in their relationship so they seek help to stop the relationship pain. Because they have stated that it is a marriage issue the pastor/counselor goes about helping them to deal with the identified marriage issues(s) while the real issue of sexual addiction is obscured.

When couples come in for marriage counseling, it is helpful to inquire about many areas of possible concern in the marriage. It is also beneficial to inquire about any areas in which either spouse may be struggling. The first session really needs to be a time of careful evaluation. After the evaluation is complete, if individual problems are uncovered the pastor may provide direction for finding individual help, i.e. a professional trained in treating depression, sexual addiction, a phobia, etc.

It is impossible to do marriage counseling with an active sexual addict. An active addict sees the world and life through the addiction. He/she will lie to cover up his/her behavior. He/she will be making plans to carry out the addiction so he/she will not be able to fully function in the marriage in a healthy way.

The addict will need to get specialized help to come out of denial, stop the acting out behavior, and understand the many thinking errors involved in his/her pattern of behavior. These are just a few of the issues with which the sexual addict will need help.

The betrayed partner needs to also come out of denial, assess the damage, feel the multitude of feelings, and learn how to draw bottom lines and many other issues depending on the individual.

When the couple is ready (after a year or so of individual work) to start marriage counseling they will have a lot of repair work to do, stemming from the addiction, before other marriage issues can be productively addressed.

_______

See Chapter 19 of Shepherding Women in Pain for more on the topic of “Pornography: Help for Wives who have been Betrayed by Spousal Involvement in Pornography,” written by Therapist and Co-director of Tuff Stuff Ministries, Dr. Sandy Wilson

Question: My teenage daughter is moody, sullen, and has been hiding out in her room a lot. She doesn’t seem to want to even hang out with her friends much. Could she be depressed?

Answer: Depression is definitely a possibility. Anyone who has teenagers knows that teens can be unpredictable and moody in general, and this makes it difficult to accurately discern what expected teenage behavior is and what is cause for concern. However, it is important to differentiate due to the risks that teen depression brings.

            With the prevalence of drugs and alcohol, increased sexual activity, and teen violence it is no wonder that today’s teens have a high incidence of depression. The suicide rate continues to climb and now ranks as the 3rd leading cause of death in teens, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). Depression in teens can rapidly progress to a life-threatening stage and professional help is vital in fighting the depression.

            Parents and caregivers should be watchful for the following warning signs: poor performance in school, withdrawal from friends and activities, sadness and hopelessness, lack of energy, anger and range, poor self-esteem, substance abuse, self-harm behavior, changes in eating and/or sleeping patterns, fatigue, and suicidal thoughts. Depression in teenagers can look different than depression in adults. A depressed teen may be more irritable, restless, or aggressive than sad or tearful. They may withdraw from most but still keep a few connections with certain friends.

            So how do you tell what is within the range of “normal” teenage behavior and what is a red flag? Consider how many of the above symptoms your teen is exhibiting, for how long the symptoms have been present, and how much the symptoms are interfering with your teen’s functioning. Look at their relationships with family, friends, and teachers. Are they involved with a healthy set of friends; do they attend a supportive church youth group? See if their grades are dropping or if they no longer have interest in the extra curricular activities they used to look forward to. Also, try and determine how much his or her behavior, mood, and personality have changed from what it used to be.

             If you believe there could be depression, then you want to talk openly with your teen about this. Gently bring up the specific behaviors you are concerned with. Try not to ask a ton of questions or put your teen on the spot. Rather, let them know that you want to be there for them and that they can talk with you. Do your best to just listen to what they may share with you, and validate it, rather than trying to fix it.  Next, schedule a physical with their primary care doctor. A medical doctor can rule-out any physical concerns that may exist, as well as do a depression inventory. The next step would be to find a therapist that the teen can go to. Many teens may resist this at first, but if it is the right connection they often end up utilizing therapy well. They also are more willing if they can have some input on who they end up seeing. Look for someone who is well-trained and comfortable working with teens and the unique struggles they face. Much of my practice is working with teen girls, and they often tell me how nice it is to have someone other than their parent or peers to talk with. Teens are faced with the challenge of becoming independent and facing the world’s pressures, yet still being young and inexperienced, without having the tools and life experience to make it on their own. This time of life is difficult and can be overwhelming. Let your teen know that it is okay to need to talk with someone and that there is no shame in it.

            Church youth groups can be a very healthy support to teens, and often provide a safe place to go that offers an alternative to the trouble spots that many teens feel pressure to attend. Youth leaders, whether they are paid staff or young adult helpers, can come alongside teens and offer comfort and a healthy perspective. Often they give similar advice to those of parents, however since they aren’t mom or dad teens often listen in a different way and may be more receptive.

            Emphasize that your teen is not alone, and that God is there to turn to when they feel alone. Offer to pray with your teen, or for your teen. They may not want to verbally participate but it is rare to find a teen or adult that isn’t at least open to being prayed for. As a parent or caregiver, utilize your support system by asking others for prayers and for wisdom in how to deal with the teen. Encourage your teen to find a particular verse in the Bible that speaks comfort to them that they can memorize as their own, and draw on when needed.

            As a parent you are the “expert” on your teen. If you are uncomfortable with behavior or emotions you are seeing, or you just have a nagging feeling that something isn’t right, follow your gut. Seek help right away, rather than waiting to see if the concerning issues will just go away on their own. Whether it be depression or something else, a treatment plan can be put together as well as a support network to utilize so that the teen can get the help they need.

 ___________

 Chantelle has written more on Depression in Chapter 6 of Shepherding Women in Pain. For more information on CCCOW, go to www.CCCOW.org

by Mindy Johnson, Director, Healing Encouragement for Abortion Related Trauma, Pregnancy Resource Centers

God forgives abortion.  As 1 John 1:9 says, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and purify our hearts.”   The Christian women that I have spoken with regarding their abortion experience mostly understand this…intellectually.  Often times it has not penetrated their hearts, or they have not made that head to heart connection. 

When I am teaching about Post-Abortion Stress I tell the group, never assume a woman (non-Christian or Christian) has not experienced an abortion or abortions in her past.  The numbers are so great that the Alan Guttmacher Institute says that  “Nearly half of pregnancies among American women are unintended, and four in 10 of these are terminated by abortion.[1] Twenty-two percent of all pregnancies (excluding miscarriages) end in abortion.[2] (July 2008)”  and “Forty-three percent of women obtaining abortions identify themselves as Protestant, and 27% as Catholic.[3]. “  The bottom line is women Christian and non-Christian alike are having abortions.  The emotional pain that they sometimes experience, guilt, shame, depression, can have a far reaching impact on their lives. 

One example I read about was in an article I read by Mark Early of Prison Fellowship Ministries entitled “An Unexpected Correlation” dated January 22, 2008 through Breakpoint.  In the article Early writes about a palliative care nurse named Jane Echlin. Ms. Echlin tells about 2 patients she had, one 92 years old and in great emotional agony near the end of her life.  The other woman, dying of cancer, also was experiencing pain that even a steady drip of morphine was not easing.  When Ms. Echlin was able to ask both of these women a bit more, she discovered that they both had experienced an abortion and one was afraid that God would not listen to her prayers, the other afraid that God would not forgive her of her abortion.  One abortion was 50 year earlier, the other 42 years earlier.  How heartbreaking!  Imagine how different their lives may have been if they had understood about God’s forgiveness regarding their abortions.

Past abortions are very likely to be at the center of the pain many women you come in contact with are experiencing.  I have talked with women who work on their church’s staff as wives of elders, assistants, Bible study leaders, etc. that had never shared their “secret” regarding abortion.  Women are sitting in your congregations, in you offices, in your homes, who may never have shared this secret out of shame.  The women in your community, your hair stylist, the woman at the bank, the grocery store clerk, or your doctor, might be harboring guilt or shame from a past abortion.  This guilt and shame could be a cause of the wall she has built to try and keep God out of her life for fear of His wrath.  Never assume a woman has not experienced an abortion or abortions in her past.  The emotional pain of it might be surfacing, just below the surface, or hidden deeply, whether it took place 5 days ago or 50 years ago.

If she does share this with you, let her know you still care about her and will be praying for her.  Let her know about the love and forgiveness of our Lord.  Let her know about and encourage her to join a post – abortion Bible study support group in her area.  Assure her that what she has shared will remain confidential.

The painful reality of abortion and what occurred is an ongoing healing process for most women.  It begins with acknowledging the reality of the abortion decision, and then also acknowledging that there is hope and healing in the Lord.  The sooner a woman can understand that, and it can begin to penetrate her heart, the better.  As you begin to talk with these women in your communities, pray for them always and then help them seek the help they may need.

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To learn more about shepherding women who have had an abortion, read Chapter 11, “Abortion Recovery,” written by Mindy Johnson, in the book, Shepherding Women in Pain.

For information on Bible-study support groups in the Portland Oregon area, contact HEART (Healing Encouragement for Abortion Related Trauma); confidential voicemail is 503-22-HEART.  Or for information in other states, the Care Net website is www.care-net.org.

Although Hospice care was started by Christians during the period of the Crusades, and modern day
hospice care was revived in London in the 1960’s and came to the United States in the 1970’s, many people still do not understand what hospice care truly is. One of the reasons is that Americans are a “death denying society.” Americans are generally uncomfortable talking about end-of- life issues and death.

The word “hospice” means to “provide comfort during a transition.” That is indeed what hospice
care does with an emphasis on helping the dying person live as comfortably as possible until death comes.
Hospice workers do not help people die; they help people live until they die.

Hospices and hospice staff provide care in a number of different settings: patients’ own homes, care
facilities, hospitals, and in-patient hospices. Hospice care has to be ordered by a physician who has
determined as nearly as possible that the patient has six months or less to live. Of course, the patient and
family have to also want hospice care with the understanding that comfort measures will be the focus of
care and not active treatments toward a curative outcome.

Hospice staff includes: a medical director, registered nurses, social workers, spiritual care counselors,
therapists, home health aides, volunteers, pharmacists, and complimentary service providers. They work
together as a cohesive team to provide care and concern not only for the patient but also for the family.
The following issues represent the uniqueness of hospice care and make it a much favored level of care to
many of those patients and families who have experienced it.

Past Traditional Care                                         Hospice Care
Death is abnormal                                               Death is a normal part of life
Curative Care                                                        Palliative (comfort) Care
Technology-oriented                                            Patient/Family oriented
Concern for addiction                                          Addiction not a concern
Emphasis on quantity of life remaining           Emphasis on quality of life remaining
Fragmentation of Care                                        Continuity of Care
Physically-invasive                                                Non-invasive Care
Technological Care                                              Eclectic/Diverse Care
No Volunteer Support                                           Volunteer Support
No Bereavement follow-up                                  Bereavement follow-up offered

Hospice helps people fulfill their last wishes, as much as possible, and even mend some bridges that patients/families may have “burned” throughout their lifetime. The hospice team tries very hard to work together with the patient/family so they know what to expect as care needs change. The hospice team also teaches skills to deal with the needs, signs and symptoms of impending death. Strong emphasis is also put on spiritual issues and if the patient is or has been a member of a faith community and so desires every effort is made to connect/reconnect them with that community. Hospice is well aware that spiritual pain at the end of life may be a strong component in issues needing to be addressed.

The expense of hospice care is now paid for by many health insurances and there is a very generous hospice benefit available for Medicare beneficiaries. Also, hospices should not decline care due to the patient’s inability to pay.

For twenty-eight years I have been associated with Hospice and Palliative Care of Washington County in Oregon. As a past hospice staff member, I have witnessed many families struggling at this very intimate time in their lives to come to terms with what they are dealing with and to learn how to give the loving and compassionate care they so desire for their family member. Hospice helps them succeed in that
endeavor.

Let’s not keep Hospice a secret any longer!

Kay Kirkbride

For more about ministering to those with Terminal Illness, read Chapter 8, written by Kay Kirkbride in the book, Shepherding Women in Pain.

Ev Waldon, R.N., Aging and Disability Services

When I look at the women seated in church or even in my Bible Study group, I often wonder how many are quietly dealing with a chronic condition or disability.  I was sharing this thought with a friend when she made the comment that her severe food allergies probably put her in that category as they daily cause physical, emotional and social problems.  While some allergies are merely an inconvenience, some are life threatening, and definitely life style changing.

This friend is dealing with mainly three intolerances in her diet.  She can have no sugar, no dairy products and no wheat.  Before finding these allergies (which has been over a ten year span), she has spent a lot of money on doctor visits, tests, and medications.  Her job has been in jeopardy due to so much time off for illness.  God has given her an incredible spirit of acceptance, optimism and joy, but she has had moments of discouragement and weariness in dealing with these limitations. She has always had a passion for missions, and still does, but even going on a short term mission trip is too dangerous.

The list of physical symptoms and reactions to these restrictions would fill this page. Most of her body’s systems have been affected.  Not only are the reactions unpleasant, there has been a lot of pain and residual damage to various organs and functions.

These diet restrictions definitely affect her social life.  Eating out is a major hassle.  There are limited restaurants that can be trusted with these restrictions.  (If a grill, pan or spatula has a trace of dairy on it, she will end up in ER with dehydration from severe vomiting and diarrhea).  Potlucks, church events, and eating at family and friends require that she bring all her own food. 

When asked for any helpful considerations for coming along side someone who is dealing with food allergies, she mentioned a few things. 

1. If you’re not real familiar and competent to cook for the restricted diet, don’t try.  She has had people claim to fix something for her, but has to be suspicious and investigate every ingredient used.  Most often, she can not eat it and then feels bad as this friend has worked hard to prepare it. 

2. Just acknowledge the dietary hassle that allergies present and extend words of encouragement. These are so appreciated.  We take eating for granted (!?!?!) but for her, she has to have complete control over everything she eats.  Food and eating require constant forethought and much energy, all day, every day.  

3. If someone doesn’t follow through with a commitment, don’t automatically label them as inconsistent or flaky.  This friend is a very gifted and capable leader, but has had to curtail her involvements. She always has a back up plan in case she has a reaction to eating something she shouldn’t eat.  At times, she has felt that she is a disappointment to people and to God.

There are many cases of pain and disabilities in the lives of women we know.  This is just another reminder that some are not obviously visible or acknowledged.  Expressing genuine interest and concern may be all that we can contribute, but that is a wonderful gift to give.

 To read more, see Chapter 9, “Physical Disabilities, Chronic Pain and the Aging Process” in the book Shepherding Women in Pain by Ev Waldon. See also Resources