Ideas for having fun and improving the quality of her life

1. Call just to chat

2. Hat Shower –give a shower for your friend. Have everyone bring a cool hat.

3. Take up a collection and buy a day of house cleaning, window washing or carpet cleaning.

4. Cook a healthy meal for her family on chemotherapy days. If she likes to cook, bring her fresh herbs and vegetables for a treat.

5. Drop by with a milkshake or another treat that’s easy on her tummy.

6. Ask if you can drop by with a funny movie and popcorn.

7. Arrange for a day of babysitting for her children, or take them home for the afternoon.

8. Drop by to do some laundry, do her dishes, or just keep her company.

9. Pick up her “to do” list and complete her errands (groceries, post office).

10. Call just to chat

11. Shampoo her hair or massage her bald head with lotion.

12. Add her to your church’s prayer list, with her permission.

13. Accompany her to her doctor’s appointments or chemotherapy to serve as a second set of eyes and ears, in addition to a hand to hold.

14. Go wig shopping—try on crazy colors (the crazier the better).

15. Call just to chat.

 Taken from  www.breastfriends.com  Visit for additional ideas.

• the newborn baby leaves the warm, nurturing environment of his/her mother’s womb
• a child loses the security of home on his/her first day of school
• a pet dies
• Grandma and/or Grandpa die
• a schoolmate dies
• a friend moves away
• high school graduation
• a girl or boyfriend says “goodbye.”

As we grow older we may lose a parent, a child, a sibling, a spouse, a job, or the house. There may be a financial loss or the loss of one’s reputation.

Loss of anything of value causes emotional pain, often with physical symptoms. Grief is a response to that pain. It is the process of putting back together the pieces of a broken heart. It is hard work and often misunderstood.

The following lists a few of the effects.

Physical effects
• exhaustion
• loss of appetite
• sleeping problems
• lack of strength
• weight loss
• headaches
• breathlessness
• palpitations
• weight gain
• aching arms
• restlessness
• blurred vision

Emotional and/or psychological effects
• denial
• guilt
• anger
• resentment
• bitterness
• irritability
• disbelief
• loneliness
• hallucinations
• sighing
• nightmares
• concentration on problems
• failure to accept reality
• preoccupation with the deceased
• times confusion
• memory lapse
• emptiness
• fear
• poor concentration
• crying spells
• sadness
• sense of failure

Social effects
• withdrawal from normal activity
• isolation (emotional and physical) from spouse, family and/or friends

Spiritual effects
• Withdrawal from (or increased) religious activity
• Consolation provided by belief or Scriptures
• Searching for evidence of an after life
• Change in priorities or values
• Seeking meaning in the loss itself
• Wavering of faith
• Examining the meaning of life
• Anger direct at clergy, religion or God
• No longer knowing what one believes
• Feeling like one is not supposed to have fear or feelings of grief if trusting in God

Additional grief effects
• Suicidal thoughts
• Use of medication (sleep and/or nerves)
• Feel protective of others, refraining from talking about the loss
• Assume traits and mannerisms of loved one
• Feel presence of loved one; dream of loved one
• Cry easily and unexpectedly; sometimes sob convulsively
• Feel shortness of breath, heaviness in the chest
• Feel as though the loss never happened; lack a sense of reality
• Feel sense of guilt over things done/said or not done/said in the relationship
• Preoccupation with life of the deceased
• Feel a need to talk a lot about the loved one including events surrounding the death
• Mood changes uncontrollably
• Feel as if “losing one’s mind.”
• Feelings of guilt when healing occurs and grief subsides

Understanding some of the signs and symptoms of grief will enable us to have a better awareness of those experiencing grief. This will likely open the door for effective shepherding.

---Annette Gildemann serves as Chaplain at a medical facility in the Northwest US.

The grief and emotional agony a wife experiences when she discovers her husband’s sexual misconduct overwhelms her and leaves her reeling.  She feels unable to cope with the crumbling truth she thought her marriage stood on.  As the pieces of her life fall around her, she feels as if her whole world is disintegrating, and she’s helpless to hold it together.  

Discovering emotional or physical infidelity is a form of death.  You cherished and trusted this man enough to let him know you fully—emotionally, physically and spiritually.  Now that man has broken your sacred trust, and when he did, something died.  You can no longer turn to him with the certainty that he will value and protect the intimacy you shared.  You can no longer go to him, knowing that when others reject you, he will still hold you precious and dear.  Your loss is real and it slices your soul.  

Through eyes clouded with pain, one woman told me, “It would have been easier if he had just died.  At least then I wouldn’t feel like a fool.  I wouldn’t have to live with the knowledge that he broke his commitment to me—that he betrayed me when I trusted him" (Means 1999).

The impact of infidelity is so life-altering that many have to revisit the building blocks of self worth.  Dr. Pamela Reeve’s book Faith Is concisely and profoundly states, “Faith is…remembering I am God’s priceless treasure when I feel utterly worthless.”  Each hurting woman’s story is unique and affirming the deeply personal nature of God’s care is vital.  Many Christian friends may remind a wife of God’s love, but fail to factor in the subtle ways sin and society strive to counteract spiritual reality.  At these places of pain a biblically solid support group may be an option for rebuilding self-esteem and reasserting God’s value of the individual.  

As a person is sinned against, often their negative responses hurt themselves.  Things like substance abuse, sleeping the day away, sexual unavailability, addiction to romance novels, intractable anger and/or obsessive volunteerism are often used to create good feelings, numb the pain or work as protective devices.  These strategies need to be gently unearthed and shown for what they are at the appropriate time.  Because these problems are varied and complex, professional counselors and addiction support groups are essential. Shepherds who walk alongside the woman as she processes these responses is highly desired. 

Many who have been victimized have also suffered from wrong teaching about forgiveness.  While taking the opportunity to really hear the deep hurt of the wife, one must both validate the pain and gently look at her coping methods; often then uncover false ‘forgive and forget’ messages.  

Responses to false ‘forgive and forget’ messages vary as much as the women in pain—you may see apathetic behavior, fiery indignation or something in between.  This is a great time to investigate what true forgiveness is not.  Tolerance of sin, acceptance of false blame and erasure of wrong-doing are not components of godly forgiveness.  

Deep forgiveness allows for no lying, no cover ups and no coping strategies.  It does not force the victimized person into relationship with the person who hurt her but it does allow for a healed relationship and marital reunion. When the counselor takes time and uses caution, this honors the woman in pain with the opportunity to work through this crucial process.  Forgiveness is a process and working through the long slow steps to embrace honesty about the offenses is a critical component of that process. (See more on Forgiveness, “When Will Life Be Normal Again?” Shepherding Women in Pain, pages 27-34, Moody Publishers, 2010).

Many churches struggle with acknowledging the reality of both separation and divorce among believing spouses who have experienced sexual infidelity. Often a divorced or separated person can feel relegated to second class.  A three-second web search will lead you to pages and pages of Bible studies about God’s hatred for divorce.  Doing a similar search for Christian divorce will not result in the same number of positive hits, but those who desire to shepherd women in deep pain must look carefully to scripture for answers and have more than a cultural reaction to marital dissolution. If both husband and wife are willing to work through their own personal issues first, independent of the marital issues, there is a greater likelihood of a restoration of the marital relationship in the near future.  

One who is privileged to tread through difficulty with a person struggling with infidelity may also have the blessed opportunity to participate in transforming beauty. This will certainly take time. The formerly grieving woman has the potential to drink in the esteem of her eternal Shepherd in a unique way because of the shock and shame she has been through.  Her new healthy lifestyle can become a force for change in her community.  Counseling or Shepherding this woman in pain may result in rejoicing alongside her as she makes wise choices for her future. 

----Marsha Means’ book Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars, Revell, 1999, gives helpful insights and first-hand accounts.  It provides valuable assistance for those working alongside a woman grieving loss in her most intimate relationship.

----See also, "Pornography: Help for Wives Who Have Been Betrayed by Spousal Involvement in Pornography," Chapter 19. Shepherding Women in Pain, Bev Hislop, Moody Publishers, 2010.

If there is a difference between who you are being and who God created you to be there will be conflict, and that conflict will cause pain.

A person exists in three interrelated and inseparable realms: spiritual, emotional, and physical. She may seek healing prayer because of a persistent need in one or more of those realms. Whether it is a physical or emotional pain, she may have exhausted her resources in traditional healing methods just like the woman Jesus healed from being subject to bleeding. Sometimes the pain cannot be traced to a specific realm since they are interrelated. An emotional trauma can find expression in the physical body, and a spiritual break in relationship can manifest itself emotionally. God heals the brokenness by restoring the person to wholeness in all three realms.

The healing prayer process involves a three-way conversation between the person, the intercessor, and the Holy Spirit. As the person and intercessor talk, the request is made for the Holy Spirit to direct the conversation as needed. The intercessor may ask Him to reveal the specific need or pain to be addressed, the source of that pain, and the truth the person must hear to be healed. When God speaks truth to the person it transforms her mind and allows her to understand her identity as God intends.

Challenges to our God-given identity come from faulty conclusions that we draw. The steps are these: 1) I observe 2) I interpret 3) I conclude 4) I choose 5) I act 6) I am. A misinterpretation or erroneous conclusion will cause me to make an unwise choice. My identity is formed by the things I believe and the actions I take as a result. For instance, a person may be called a drug addict (identity) because she uses drugs (actions) and relies on them (choices) to fill some need (conclusions).

Harm Done To Us
Trauma and abuse can be underlying reasons for broken identity. When a woman is harmed by the sinful choices of another it opens the door for misinterpretations and faulty conclusions. A woman who has been victimized may take part of the blame for what happened, or accept responsibility for something outside of her control. She may believe something to be true about herself that is in conflict with God's truth. Such beliefs as: “I'm guilty,” “I'm shameful,” or “I'm unlovable” will negatively influence every interpretation and conclusion, leading to pain.
God brings the truth to the woman through healing prayer. Such truths as: “I have washed you,” “I accept you,” or “I love you” provide a new frame of reference, leading to healing and peace. There may be an act of obedience indicated by the Holy Spirit during this type of prayer session, such as the woman forgiving the one who hurt her. As she releases the sin against her, she is able to receive the new truth that frees her.

Harmful Choices We Make
Sinful choices will put a person's identity in conflict with God's design. These choices can come from the rebellious spirit of the sinful nature, or from being deceived by the evil one. A false identity is more susceptible to harmful choices, even when that identity is the result of harm done to the person. For instance, a person that has been abused may not have healthy boundaries. From that position of vulnerability they make a series of destructive decisions. The actions that follow form a sinful identity, and pain ensues.

God brings the truth to the person through healing prayer. A new way of seeing things, a new image of who she is in Christ, and an understanding of acceptability are often descriptions of the new truth given. There may be an act of obedience indicated by the Holy Spirit in this type of prayer session as well, such as the person confessing her sin and asking for forgiveness. As she feels the release of the guilt, she is able to accept the new truth that sets her free.

Hearing from God
Healing prayer is an act of faith, and hearing from God is the response. The intercessor prays for guidance and truth, knowing that God desires to answer that request specifically and tangibly. God fulfills His promises when we trust Him to do so. We ask God, and then confidently wait for His answer.

Most of the time the intercessor will ask God to reveal His truth to the one requesting healing. God will speak to her in words, thoughts, pictures, or feelings. When this happens the truth is more readily received by the heart of the person. For instance, a friend or trusted adviser may tell someone she is not guilty since she has asked for forgiveness. Even when the person believes it in her mind, she may not know it to be true in her heart. However, if God reveals to her the truth of her forgiveness, it will be received.

Healing prayer ministry is an exciting calling. Intercession is meaningful participation in what God is doing as He renews the mind and transforms the identity of His created child. The role of the intercessor is to be a witness, to give testimony to the healing, and to join in giving glory to God.

________
Jules Tadema and Calvin Tadema, pastor and church leader, offer healing prayer through their ministry Masters Mind Ministry, www.mastersmindministry.org