Most of us have a gun—some way of protecting ourselves and making ourselves feel safe, hidden under the robe of our leadership/shepherding persona. It is fairly easy to keep our gun hidden most of the time, but we know that it is there and that it is incongruent with the person God is calling us to be. We also know that if it were to “go off” unexpectedly, it would do great damage. We are uncomfortable living with it, but we are afraid to live without it. Sometimes we let ourselves dream of being free, of traveling without the need to pack a weapon. Holding on to our self-protective patterns is one manifestation of our unwillingness to surrender ourselves to God for the journey that is ahead.

There is another desire that is greater than our desire to be safe. It is the desire to abandon ourselves to God and the life to which he is calling us.  It is the desire to leave Egypt and journey with others to the Promised Land.

Sometimes we hear God’s whisper, “Why don’t you give me the gun?” 

We feel ourselves trembling with longing and with possibility, with fear and with hope. He waits quietly, patiently. And as we are ready, we give him that behavior, that pattern, that sin that we have relied on all these years, our tears running down to the ground. At least for a moment, we let ourselves feel what it’s like to be free.

Let’s Invite God to help us start seeing and naming the experiences that have shaped us.

·        What are the patters underneath the behaviors and situations that are disturbing to you at this time?

·        Are there places in your life and leadership where you recognize that you are holding yourself tight rather than experiencing full surrender to God, where you recognize that you are not free?

·        Are you aware of hidden patterns or even addictions that are hindering your spiritual journey and your effectiveness as a leader?

DO invite God to guide the process and illuminate those areas that are important for you to see and name at this time. This part of Moses’ journey took a long time. Ours may too. Today is a good day to take the next step in our journey. Agreed?

The text above from Ruth H. Barton’s Strengthening the Soul of Your Leadership, 55-57, challenges us to examine our own patterns of self-protection as care-givers.

Why don’t you give up your gun?

Hunter (Ph.D. in Psychology) differentiates between “mother love” and “mother woe.” Her research shows that as early as 12 months of age, we know if we can trust our mother to respond to us. If we learn our mothers are trustworthy and reliable, we develop a capacity to move forward developmentally, taking essential risks, because of the under girding power of our mother’s love. On the other hand, if our mothers are rejecting, abusive, physically absent or emotionally absent too long, we feel anxious and we create defenses to protect our vulnerable selves. Those defenses may be hard to dismantle later on (35).

The central task of infancy is learning to trust our mother. If we learn to trust our mother, we are able to trust our friends, husbands and ourselves later on. But if we weren’t able to trust her—if she proved physically and emotionally unavailable and undependable—we were bereft indeed. We learned as babies that life is a struggle and fear is the name of the game (34).

Where does Dad fit into the picture? Since this book is primarily about women, Hunter states only briefly, “We need him to relate to us as young girls and women. Father love is just as critical as mother love in personality development. For daughters, father love was and is a potent psychological force in shaping our sense of competency and confidence. If as little girls we were adored by our father, today we are more likely to be comfortable with men and supremely confident (38).

How does this information fit into our list of DO’s and DON’Ts of effective shepherding?

Often the presenting problem is not the real problem and so it is easy to make assumptions.

4. DON’T Make Assumptions

This is the fourth DON’T of good shepherding (for the third DON’Ts see 3. Don't Carry all the Emotional Weight. For more Guidelines for Shepherding see Shepherding a Woman’s Heart, Chapter 9.)

It was easy to assume that Josh’s problem was as he described it, the overly strong opinions expressed by his wife. If she would simply let him give his opinion and then agree to it, there would be more peace in their relationship. But she insisted that he hear her voice and consider her perspective. Each time he tried this, he felt she took over and controlled the conversation.

The easy response would have been to suggest they work on their communication skills. Certainly this is a needful suggestion. However, this assumption would have missed the underlying essence of their conflict. Asking Josh a few questions led him to realize his irritation stemmed from feeling like a child again, when his mother would yell at him and dominate every conversation. He admitted feeling anxious with his wife, even fearful of being shut down—as he was in his childhood. Although this does not necessary resolve his situation, it does allow him to focus on the real issues and not just the symptoms.

Asking good questions is vital to moving further into the self-discovery from which care-seekers will benefit. Good listening includes paying attention to not only the facts, but also the feelings of the speaker.

Asking questions helps uncover those feelings. Determine to keep a learning posture to enable you to clearly hear the perspective of the person in pain.

Some helpful questions may include:
When this happens, what are your thoughts at that moment?
How would you describe your feelings?
What would you like to do next time?
What are your options?
What is the implication of that choice?
How will the choices you make now bring you the hoped for benefit?
What do you think God wants you to do?

Would you be willing to share the questions you’ve used to bring your shepherding experience from assuming to truthful reality? I’d love to receive them! Holding good questions in your pocket is like having a good balance in your checking account.

I was amazed when studying the questions Jesus asked, to find how often he used questions when ministering to an individual. One example is the blind man who had been calling out to Jesus, “…have mercy on me” in Luke 18:40. Jesus asked the seemingly obvious, “What do you want me to do for you?” Even if the situation was obvious, Jesus’ question required the care-seeker to state his presenting problem. Jesus of course knew his real need, but typically began with the person identifying his/her felt need.

Students’ assignments reflected a greater understanding of these factors, increasing their determination not to make assumptions, but to ask questions instead.

And I admit my own determination has again been heightened.

Anne’s family was going through a crisis. Her absent father accentuated her mother’s strong control. Anne was feeling responsible and crumbling under the load. She was in tears each time we talked. She was angry and repulsed by some of her family. I so wanted to relieve her pain. I so wanted to bring comfort and help her to think more clearly.

What I didn’t realize was that I couldn’t “relieve her pain” and in the process I found myself carrying much of the emotional weight. Granted, each time Anne talked to me she felt a temporary emotional relief. Yet, within days, sometimes hours, she was feeling the weight again and would call again.

And after several weeks of this I found myself exhausted.

3. Don’t carry all the emotional weight

This is the third DON’T of good shepherding (for the previous two DON’Ts see 2 Things to Avoid in Shepherding For more Guidelines for Shepherding see Shepherding a Woman’s Heart, Chapter 9.)

We may have the best of intentions in carrying the emotional weight of others’ pain. Perhaps we genuinely feel God wants us to support this person in pain Perhaps unknowingly we are rescuing, people pleasing, co-dependent, or responding to expectations. There are a variety of issues that can enter into our desire to help others. Some are healthy; others not so much. Those who have the gift of mercy often have a greater risk of carrying much of the emotional weight.

But doesn’t the Bible say I should put other’s needs before my own? Galatians 6:2 says, “Carry each other’s burdens and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” Whew… was I actually doing the right thing to carry Anne’s burden?

Read on: “If any of you think you are something when you are nothing, you deceive yourselves. Each of you should test your own actions. Then can take pride in yourself, without comparing yourself to somebody else, for each of you should carry your own load” (3-5).

These two phrases seem contradictory.

This seeming contradiction may be clarified by an illustration from my husband, Jim. During his years of being a summer canoe instructor Jim would tell campers preparing for a canoe trip to each carry their own backpack filled with a sandwich, sunscreen, and a towel. In the same way, we each have a responsibility to carry our daily load.

But a canoe is too heavy for one camper. Three campers (with their own backpacks in place) will place themselves under a canoe, lift it off the rack and carry it down to the water’s edge. In the same way, the excess weight, the crushing loads of life are too much for one person to bear alone without help. These we carry together, in addition to our own backpacks.

Notice in this illustration, it took three to carry the canoe. As a care-giver, I needed to learn how to process the emotional weight of others and not carry it all myself. (See Know Your Own Limits for more on this.)

As simplistic as it may sound, it sometimes helps me to visually imagine that after I figuratively put my prayers and concerns for Anne down on paper, I walk that piece of paper (with all the emotional concerns on it) out of my office and place it on Jesus’ “in-basket” in his office. Every once in a while I find the paper back on my desk and I virtually get up and walk it back into Jesus’ in-basket and leave it there again, at the foot of the cross.

I’m reminded of the classic example of Jethro saying to Moses, “What is this you are doing for the people? Why do you alone sit as judge, while all these people stand around you from morning till evening?” Moses answered him, “Because the people come to me to seek God’s will…” (Exodus 18:14-15). People’s expectations, people’s needs, and people’s dependence rest on me. Who else will do this?

Jethro proceeds to show him a better way, which is to involve others in the task. The outcome is, “This will make your load lighter, because they will share it with you. If you do this and God so commands, you will be able to stand the strain and all these people will go home satisfied” (23).

The outcome of implementing this wisdom is good for BOTH you and those to whom you are ministering! Everyone is served better!

Including Anne.

Active listening is not a physiological ability, it is a learned skill.

We will explore Active Listening in a later blog, but for now let’s look at what the lack of active listening looks like. We’ve completed the nine DO’s in our Guidelines for Shepherding (for more on this see Shepherding a Woman’s Heart, Chapter 9), so let’s focus on the DON’T’s of good shepherding.

1. DON’T try to fix her/his problem

Elizabeth’s mother continues to hold Elizabeth hostage emotionally. Tears followed nearly every phone call. Although they live miles apart, the pain of Elizabeth’s mother’s words immobilizes her adult daughter.

Elizabeth’s neighbor, Celeste, expresses her anger at the way Elizabeth’s mother causes her friend Elizabeth pain. After every phone call, Celeste is quick to tell Elizabeth what she should say or do. Seeing a friend continue in pain is difficult. Our immediate impulse is to fix the situation. However, no matter how hard she tries, Celeste cannot fix Elizabeth.

Elizabeth needs to embrace the fact that she has choices. She needs to understand that she is a person worthy of respect, and that once she begins treating herself respectfully, she will empower others to do the same. Setting boundaries is one way of showing respect. Once Elizabeth grasps the truth of how God respects and loves her, she may be able to respect herself enough to communicate that respect to her mother.

This is not something Celeste can do for her, as much as she wants to. Celeste can expose Elizabeth to the truth and pray for her, but Celeste is powerless to fix Elizabeth or her problem.

Fixing another person is simply not possible and sets both of them up for disappointment and possible disillusionment. It is also exhausting!

2. DON’T be quick to give advice

Just as a paramedic first looks at the source of the bleeding, we should focus first on the injury. A patient who is bleeding profusely cannot receive instruction on how the accident might have been prevented. What the patient needs at that point is emergency care from someone who understands what is needed to stop the bleeding and what are the “normal” symptoms of this specific injury. Once the initial source of bleeding is discovered and addressed, then more long-term and even preventative instruction (vitamins?) can be received from the patient’s established health care provider.

Too often some of us start with preventative instruction, then long-term directives. The woman is told to memorize scripture or pray more. This is valuable and needful instruction (vitamins?), but it is not timely when the patient is bleeding emotionally, panic-stricken or confused. In essence it can sound like, “Just get over it. Stop the tears and just move on! It isn’t that bad.”

Effective pastoral care reverses the order of the procedure.

My friend Carol needed someone to be present with her in her pain. Her husband just walked out on her for a younger woman.

Carol didn’t need someone to tell her how she could have been a better wife, or some other preventative thing they think she might have done to keep this from happening! She couldn’t even concentrate long enough to remember her phone number, let alone study Scripture.

Carol needed someone who could encourage her to cry, even when Carol was afraid she might not stop crying. She needed someone who understood that feelings of shock, disbelief, anger and bargaining are all part of the grief process. Carol needed someone safe, encouraging her to express the feelings of betrayal and injustice.

It IS healthy to feel the pain. Crying is cathartic. It is an essential step toward healing.

Once the patient is given emotional CPR, she is watched carefully for stabilizing responses and treated accordingly. Our first concern in giving directive instructions should be her emotional state. Once she is in a safe place and stabilized emotionally, she may be able to think more clearly.

Effective pastoral care to women first focuses on the emotional pain and how women process emotional pain. Secondly, attention is given to the issues that cause women pain. A shepherd would know Carol needed to feel the pain before she was ready to think about the next step of her life. A shepherd responds with compassion. She will skillfully dispense pastoral care that is timely and appropriate. Thirdly, effective pastoral care continues moving toward the goal of bringing this woman to a place of health. She understands this will take time and multiple resources. She coaches the woman toward making decisions that lead to health and maturity. A shepherd knows when to refer to professionals while offering the pastoral care needed on the journey to recovery.

An effective shepherd will stop the bleeding before giving the vitamins.

Ken was dating a girl in our church. Both Wendy and her parents were followers of Jesus. Ken was not. Wendy told Ken he needed to talk with the pastor before they could continue dating. Ken was a personable and determined young man so the possibility of losing Wendy drove him to comply. When he came into Pastor Jim’s office he was very cordial and seemingly open to Jim’s input. However, unknown to Jim, Ken had a plan that he was certain would enable him to leave the office unchanged.

After Ken told Jim why he was there, Jim responded with a few questions. Ken was waiting for the right moment to pull out the information that would totally disqualify him to be a follower of Jesus and he could leave the office just as he came in.

“But, Jim, I smoke.”

“So?”

Ken was speechless. He felt sure this would disqualify him to be a follower of Jesus, but Jim didn’t seem to even hesitate in giving the clear message that Jesus Christ loved Ken and had made provision for whatever Ken had done in his life through Jesus’ death and resurrection. Ken left Jim’s office in disbelief. Yet, if Jim didn’t seem “put off” by this information, is it possible God wouldn’t either? Ken began pondering on a deeper level.

The prayers of Wendy and her parents were answered! Ken soon became a follower of Jesus Christ, married Wendy, and has since shared his faith with many others.

Ken credits Jim’s one word response for the fact that he is a follower of Jesus today.

9. DO know your God is powerful
This is the ninth Guideline for Shepherding (in our listing of Do’s and Don’ts) that we’ve been considering. (For the eighth Guideline, see “At the end of the day it is her choice.” And for more on this, see Shepherding a Woman’s Heart, Chapter 9.)

He is the Redeemer. He is the Great Physician, the Healer. He is the One who brings
Life. He DOES answer prayer! A Shepherd simply leads people to the Chief Shepherd! There is only one Savior, Jesus Christ the Lord!

Shepherds may be tempted to move into the role of savior or messiah. Shepherds want to help, it is the very fiber of a shepherd’s being to help others. But an effective shepherd remembers she/he is to figuratively take a person’s hand and place it in God’s hand.

My new friend Susan, who had been married 5 times and the man with whom she was currently living was not her husband, would tell me, “Bev, I just wish I could find a man who loved me for who I am not for what he could get from me.” I’m not making this up—she really exists (granted, Susan is not her real name)—and those are her words. I asked if she’d ever read John 4 in the Bible. She hadn’t. I suggested there is someone with whom she could identify.

I suspect the Samaritan woman in John 4 also had a deep need to be loved for who she was, not for what others could get from her. I often wonder what she thought when right off the top Jesus asked for something—a drink. Yet, one of the beautiful things about this story is that Jesus went right to her felt need. He opened the conversation about her many marriages. Instead of condemnation, twice Jesus affirms her for telling the truth in acknowledging this (vs. 17 & 18). Jesus knew her real need was the lasting drink of water only Jesus could give.

This woman was neither ignorant of the belief system of her people, neither did she try to distract Jesus in the conversation. She sincerely wanted to know the truth. You see her understanding of who Jesus is move from that of a Jew, to “someone greater than our father Jacob”, to a prophet, and finally she realizes the long-awaited Messiah is Jesus!

What a life-change in this woman! One that led her to immediately go tell the people in her town. Whatever she said must have been convincing, because “many of the Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman’s testimony…” (39).

Our God is powerful!

Immediately after I picked up the phone she blurted out, “My son has been arrested and is going to jail! How could this happen? I know he’s been hanging around with some not so good guys, but my son would never actually take drugs. But that’s what they say they found in his possession. I think it’s a set up. WHY would God let this happen to our son? To us? And don’t you tell me ‘so God can use me to help to other mothers in similar situations’! I don’t want to. It’s not worth it for my son to be in jail! Just tell me WHY, Bev? WHY?”

Whew….how would you respond?

Brenda didn’t know me very well when she first called that day. The answer she was expecting was what she had received all her life in difficult situations. She assumed all followers of Jesus were quick to quote Romans 8:28—end of conversation. No more to be said.

Is Romans 8:28 true (“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”)? Of course! No question about that! But does simply quoting it at the point of pain bring the comfort that we hope to see?

Not always. In fact I would suggest, rarely.

Quoting this scripture that means so much to many of us, at the point of pain can actually communicate the message that this is just a quick fix. “Why are you so upset? There really is no reason to get all upset about this. God is going to work it all out for good. Relax!” –end of conversation.

Although this may be true, it sends a different message than we hoped. And in the process we’ve likely discounted the level of pain the Brenda’s are experiencing at the moment. Brenda needed to know I heard her, entered into the enormous pain she was experiencing and cared enough to walk with her in it.

And not just give a 3 word response (Romans eight twenty-eight) or a 25 word response (if I quote the actual verse).

Brenda did want to know WHY. She wasn’t ready to by-pass that most challenging question in exchange for a Scripture verse. But how could I possibly answer the “why” question?

Too often we think we need to have all the answers. This is one of the main reasons I often hear from people for why they don’t move into another’s life when they are hurting or perhaps need to know Jesus.

“I’m afraid I won’t know what to say.”

“I’m sure I won’t be able to answer all her questions.”

8. DO know you will not have all the answers

This is the eighth Guideline for Shepherding (in our listing of Do’s and Don’ts) that we’ve been considering. (For the seventh Guideline, see “At the end of the day it is her choice.” And for more on this, see Shepherding a Woman’s Heart, Chapter 9.)

“I don’t know why” is a great response to the “why” people in pain often ask. Why God did my wife turn against me? Why God did my adult children have to die? Why God did the winds and rain have to destroy my house? Why God is my body covered with these painful sores and I live with chronic pain?

It is interesting to me that God never gave a clear answer to Job’s gnawing question of why. Instead God asked Job seventy questions, none of which Job could answer. Job failed the test, realized his own understanding was finite, but he met God in the process.[i] Job repented of his previous assumptions about God and admitted his own lack of understanding, that mankind never has all the facts as God does.

In actuality people in pain most often need a listening ear, and an empathetic response. Prayer, asking relevant questions and words of comfort may follow, but having all the answers is God’s alone.

I resisted my initial inclinations to join the police in incriminating Brenda’s son, given the evidence. His guilt or lack thereof would not have been most helpful at that moment. My responses to Brenda included, “Brenda, I’m not here to give you answers to the ‘why God allowed this,’ rather I’d like to hear more from you and then pray with you. Would that be OK with you?” Obviously, listening and drawing out Brenda’s feelings, thoughts and processing followed. Soon Brenda was able to think more clearly about the situation. We continued meeting and one day she asked if we could read Scripture together.

Certainly the truths in God’s Word are powerful and should be appropriately given.

We won’t have all the answers. We don’t need to.

We compared information on the three top political candidates for the office of president—mostly comparing what the major news networks broadcast and information found in various other sources. Information we had collected about each candidate conflicted. We questioned the credibility of the sources. We questioned reporters’ perspectives.

We found that we did agree on one thing. We agreed on the values we hold and our desire to see those considered by the candidate of choice. But who will best implement those values and how will they be best implemented remained in question.

No matter if we agreed or disagreed on who should be the primary presidential candidate, when my sister walks into that private voting booth on Tuesday, her vote will be solely her choice.

This can sometimes be difficult to remember when shepherding someone you care much about. No matter how good your perspective, your wisdom or intuition, or the Bible verses you offer, it is her/his choice to accept or reject it at the end of the day. Shepherds must respect the God-given power of choice of others.

7. DO know that she/he has a choice

This is the seventh Guideline for Shepherding (in our listing of Do’s and Don’ts) that we’ve been considering. (For the sixth Guideline, see “IN SYMPHONY: Develop a Referral Network” And for more on this, see Shepherding a Woman’s Heart, Chapter 9.)

This is even more difficult to accept when you believe her choice will increase her pain and relational challenges. Sometimes the validity of the information you have will be in question. Perhaps you don’t have all the facts, or don’t fully understand her perspective or cultural innuendoes.

Mei-Lee had blown it with her daughter Kia. She responded in anger and Mei-Lee knew her anger hurt Kia. Nicole’s biblical suggestion to apologize and ask forgiveness was not well received. Mei-Lee said in her culture parents are always right and her daughter would no longer respect her if she admitted wrong. Nicole was left to pray the Spirit of God would change Mei-Lee’s heart, that Mei-Lee would choose God’s way over cultural morays. Nicole continues to express God’s love to Mei-Lee while appropriately sharing her own experience of God’s forgiving power. But Mei-Lee continues to exercise her God-given power of choice.

Although some will exercise their power of choice in ways similar to Mei-Lee, others may make the positive yet hard choice to move forward in the midst of emotional pain, as Jerry Sittser did.

Jerry Sittser, after receiving news that his wife, baby daughter and mother were killed in a car crash by a drunk driver, soon realized

My own catastrophic loss thus taught me the incredible power of choice—to enter the darkness and to feel sorrow, as I did after the accident, even as I continued to work and to care for people, especially my children….I wanted to integrate my pain into my life in order to ease some of its sting. I wanted to learn wisdom and to grow in character….I knew that running from the darkness would only lead to greater darkness later on. I also knew that my soul had the capacity to grow—to absorb evil and good, to die and live again, to suffer abandonment and find God. In choosing to face the night, I took my first steps toward the sunrise. 1

Sittser realized he had no power to control the circumstances that altered the course of his life, but soon discovered he had the power to determine the course his life would take from that point forward, however limited it seemed at the time. He had the power to choose how he would respond and whether or not he would trust in God.

Is it surprising that Jesus did not pursue further conversation with the rich man after he chose to reject Jesus’ invitation and walk away (Matthew 19:16-24)? The man apparently didn’t like Jesus full answer to his question, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?” When Jesus’ response included selling his possessions and giving to the poor, the rich man “went away sad, because he had great wealth.” Jesus understood and respected the rich man’s power of choice, even though the consequences would be eternally painful.

People in pain have the power of choice and shepherds have the opportunity to gently encourage that power of choice to be exercised in a biblical manner—toward healing and growth—and covered in prayer! Yet she/he can decide to reject our best effort to influence.

At the end of the day, it remains solely her/his choice.

1. Quoted in Shepherding a Woman’s Heart, Bev Hislop, Moody Publishers, 2010, 44, from Gerald L. Sittser, A Grace Disguised, How the Soul Grows Through Loss, Zondervan, 1995, 43.

Finally, he uncrossed his arms, sat up in his chair and eventually stood up. In what seemed to be slow motion, he looked at the music stand, lifted two small cymbals and continued holding one in each hand. Still waiting, I made note of the increased crescendo of the music, yet time seemed to stand still. And then it happened. At just the right nanosecond he brought the cymbals together and his seemingly minuscule contribution to Janacek’s Sinfonietta was instantly the crowning climax. Yet, almost as quickly, he diminished the strategic sound and sat back down. I waited and waited, but that was his total contribution to that particular movement of Janacek’s work.

In contrast, the star performer, Joshua Bell, came out on stage at the very beginning and stood near the Conductor a few moments…waiting until the predetermined second when he would begin his phenomenal solo performances. He played the violin for nearly an hour.

Both of these musicians were obviously proficient and professional. They each were well accomplished in their fields. Their contributions were essential elements to the whole. I suspect the evening performance might not have maintained its enthusiastic audience response had Bell and DePonte changed places.

This reminded me that what may seem like a nanosecond from an eternal perspective is no less important than an hour in our willingness to step up to the music stand and give what we have to offer at just the right time, in God’s perfect timing.

It is just as important to know the expertise of others, to invite others to “play their instruments” at that most strategic moment of care giving. Last blog we were given the opportunity to confirm unique ways in which we offer care to others, so we could better understand our own limits. The natural follow-up Shepherding Guideline is to also know the expertise of others so I can refer to them as needed.

6. DO Know Referral Resources

This is the sixth Guideline for Shepherding (in our listing of Do’s and Don’ts) that we’ve been considering. (For the fifth Guideline, see “Know Your Own Limits” And for more on this, see Shepherding a Woman’s Heart, Chapter 9.)

Compile and have readily available a list of physicians, professional counselors, local ministries and care givers by area of specialty. Include “hotline” and shelter numbers for emergency physical and sexual abuse situations. Perhaps there are people in your church willing to step in and provide needed resources, such as transportation, accommodations, or recommendations.

One of the dangers of being a shepherd is assuming that the ability or responsibility to restore people to health belongs to the shepherd alone. In a way that a symphony beautifully illustrates, each participant has an important role to play—whether that is a nanosecond or an hour(s)—to the over all care giving of others.

I wonder if any of the four men in Mark 2:1-10 had any thought the day before that they would be “opening the roof…and digging through it…” at that specific hour so they could lower the mat of the paralyzed man right in front of Jesus. We are not given the “behind the scenes” story of how these particular men were rallied. Obviously, they were available and knew how best to bring this paralyzed man (unable to bring himself) to Jesus. No matter how long it took to dig through the typically thick layer of clay, supported by mats of branches across wood beams, this was their moment that would open the door for life-change for the paralyzed man—both physically and spiritually.

Who is on your list of referrals? Perhaps you may want to interview local credible professionals, reputable resources, or ask for referrals from friends or pastors in your area.

The list of musicians in the Oregon Symphony program was extensive. Yet each was identified by their area of musical expertise. Imagine the harmony in care giving we could likewise experience with a listing of referral resources who are available to play both the cymbals and violin in concert along with our shepherding “instruments.”

Perhaps you’ve felt this way, or know of someone who does. Do you know how to swim? Do you know how to navigate toward someone who is feeling isolated and in pain? Perhaps your strength lies in having a delicious meal or warm cup of tea waiting for them. You may own the boat that could be sent out into the ocean, but are not prepared for the conversation that you imagine would ensue.

As the biblical text in Luke 10:25-37 informs us, it likely will take more than one person to minister to someone in pain.

Carol Travilla in her very helpful book, Caring without Wearing, suggests you place a checkmark next to every way you’ve expressed care to another person in the past six months. (You may want to add options to this listing.)

Sending a card
Providing transportation
Caring for a child
Preparing food
Contributing financial help
Furnishing career assistance
Writing a note, text or email
Taking a meal
Giving a hug
Listening actively
Presenting a gift
Shopping for food
Volunteering
Giving a party
Doing manual labor
Sewing
Reading

Holding a hand
Extending hospitality
Making a hospital visit
Social networking
Providing nursing care
Tutoring
Being present
Offering prayer
Cleaning
Discipling
Visiting by Skype
Making phone calls
Visiting a home

Next, complete the following sentence. As a result of doing this exercise, I realize that I usually throw ropes (or swim) to hurting people by …..

Perhaps you are working with a team of care givers. This may be helpful in discerning who is the first to swim to a particular person in need, who are the care givers waiting on the shore, and who will be making connection for the next week, months and possibility year.

Do you know your best shepherding skills? Your weaknesses or areas of limitation? If possible, enlist the support of others to cover areas where you are weak. Granted, there are times when you must simply do what you feel least capable of doing. Yet, long-term, why not give others the opportunity to serve in their areas of strength, along with you?

5. DO know your own limits.
This is the fifth Guideline for Shepherding (in our listing of Do’s and Don’ts) that we’ve been considering. (For the fourth Guideline, see “Know Your Presence Counts” And for more on this, see Shepherding a Woman’s Heart, Chapter 9.) As you identify the shepherding skills you prefer, you are able to determine your own limits.

Early in my ministry experience (before training), I thought I had to do it all. That kept me from taking initiative to reach out to people in pain. And yes, exhaustion seemed to visit me often! Preparing one meal for a family could take me a full day, sometimes two. I watched in wonder as Cindy seemed to simply add more volume to the 1+ hour prep for her own family and deliver the meal in the amount of time it took me to design the menu! I was so glad for Cindy on my care team!

My greatest joy is “being present,” listening, praying and offering expressions of care and consolation. Cindy would be hard-pressed to simply “be present.” But she loved providing practical help for those in need. We also knew Cindy preferred late mornings and late nights. She was available to provide transportation, shop for food, clean or cook late into the evening. The strengths of others on our team complemented our preferences and strengths.

Knowing your own limits increases your joy and energy in ministering to people in pain. Why not work toward having everyone on your care giving team identify her/his area of strength, availability, and thus limits? Surely more ministry could then be offered within healthy limits and thus multiply the joy of both shepherds and care receivers.

Finally, when Judith was alone again, she realized silence was preferable to what felt like unrelenting noise.

Then Lois came and just sat beside Judith. With an occasional hand on her shoulder, smile, and warm glance, Lois’ presence communicated peace, love and the calm assurance that Judith was not alone. Lois’ prayer lifted Judith’s thoughts to God and led her to feel His presence through Lois’ shepherding. Of all the people that came to the hospital during the remaining days, Judith remembers none ministering so powerfully as her new friend Lois.

DO know your presence counts.
This is the fourth Guideline for Shepherding (in our listing of Do’s and Don’ts) that we’ve been considering. (see  for the Third Guideline for Shepherding, For more see Shepherding a Woman's Heart Chapter 9)

A silent presence can reflect the depth of pain—what words could possibly express how I feel? Or how you feel? Can words alone bring comfort? “I don’t know what to say” can sometimes be the best thing to say. A mentor of mine would tell me, “Listen until you can enter into feelings of the person expressing their pain to you.”

Empathy is
    the action of understanding
    being aware of
    being sensitive to and
    vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another (Merriam- Webster.com).

Sympathy is
    The act of or capacity for entering into or sharing the feelings or interests of another;
    a showing of sorrow for another’s loss, grief, or misfortune (Merriam-webster.com).

Often there is significant discussion around which of these would be most effective—empathy or sympathy. Frankly I think the words of my mentor sum it up, “Listen until you can enter into the feelings of the person expressing their pain to you.” Those expressions will include body language, intonation and possibly words.

The presence of Job’s three friends Eliphaz, Bildad, and Zophar was exemplarity during the first seven days of their encounter. They left their homes and met together by agreement to go and sympathize with him (Job) and comfort him. When they saw Job they hardly recognized him. The change was so stark, they began to weep aloud and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads. They sat on the ground with him for seven days and nights in silence because they saw how great his suffering was (Job 2:11-13 NIV). They identified with his grief and calamity. Their presence was a comfort during that first week of silent sympathy.

 (For additional DO's and DON'TS see Guidelines for Shepherding, Chapter 9, Shepherding a Woman’s Heart.)

What if I find it difficult to feel the feelings of others? What if I’m really not a “feeling” kind of person? What if my own discomfort makes it difficult to simply “be present” with someone experiencing emotional pain?”

Stay tuned for the next posting…

It almost seemed cruel to tell my friend what a wonderful Christmas season our family enjoyed in sunny Santa Barbara, CA. Not only was the sky blue everyday but the sun brought a warmth that you could sit in, walk to the beach, ride bicycles with grandkids or plant flowers with your son. Each day was a joy and adventure with family and friends. Celebrating Christ’s birth with the Body of Christ in that part of the country was exhilarating. Yet there were many painful losses in the families that meet there too.

For many the holidays are painful. There is a missing chair at the dinner table, an empty crib or reminders of the joy of years gone by. It can be challenging to pick back up emotionally when January comes.

A dear friend recently told me she used to read a Psalm each day, but now she prays a Psalm several times a day—particularly during January. When she’s feeling depressed, she is at a loss for words and hope is hard to visualize. The Psalms give her language with which she can communicate her thoughts and feelings to God. Praying the Psalms gives her hope and helps her keep her focus on the Lord.

Eugene Peterson suggests praying the Psalms may be a good way to teach people to pray.

As a pastor I was charged with, among other things, teaching people to pray, helping them to   give voice to the entire experience of being human, and to do it both honestly and thoroughly. I found that it was not as easy as I expected… ‘Help’ and ‘Thanks!’ are our basic prayers. But honesty and thoroughness don’t come quite as spontaneously.

Untutored we tend to think that prayer is what good people do when they are doing their best. It is not…. It is the means by which we get everything in our lives out in the open before God. And so in my pastoral work of teaching people to pray, I started paraphrasing the Psalms into the rhythms and idiom of contemporary English.  (The Message, Eugene H. Peterson, 910-911)

Psalm 42:5-8 (The Message)

Why are you down in the dumps, dear soul?
Why are you crying the blues?
Fix my eyes on God—
Soon I’ll be praising again.
He puts a smile on my face.
He’s my God.

When my soul is in the dumps, I rehearse everything I know of you,
From Jordan depths to Hermon heights, including Mount Mizar.
Chaos calls to chaos,
To the tune of whitewater rapids.
Your breaking surf, your thundering breakers crash and crush me.
Then GOD promises to love me all day,
Sing songs all through the night!
--a prayer to the God of my life.

Psalm 61:1-5 in The Message.

God, listen to me shout, bend an ear to my prayer.
When I’m far from anywhere, down to my last gasp,
I call out, “Guide me up High Rock Mountain!”
You’ve always given me breathing room,
a place to get away from it all,
A lifetime pass to your safe-house,
An open invitation as your guest.
You’ve always taken me seriously, God,
made me welcome among those who know and love you.

Perhaps you prefer praying the Psalm 61:1-5 in the language of the NIV

Hear my cry, O God;
Listen to my prayer.
From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grown faint;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
For you have been my refuge,
A strong tower against the foe.
I long to dwell in your tent forever
And take refuge in the shelter of your wings.
For you have heard my vows, O God;
You have given me the heritage of those who fear your name.

I continue to be “…convinced that only as we develop raw honesty and detailed thoroughness in our praying do we become whole, truly human in Jesus Christ, who also prayed the Psalms” (Eugene Peterson, The Message, 911).

The result of not feeling physical pain can be self-destruction. Pain is really a gift that no one wants, but none of us can do without. The ability to feel physical pain actually is a God-given means of preserving life.

Because we were created in the image of God we are pro-life—meaning pro my life. When we sense a threat to our existence and well-being, we spontaneously act to protect and preserve our lives.     ….we normally adopt defensive, self-protective thinking and behavior patterns when we feel emotionally or relationally threatened and wounded. Emotional pain, like physical pain, draws attention to the fact that something needs to change. (Hurt People Hurt People, Sandra Wilson, Thomas Nelson, 5.)

Touching a hot stove sends the message to the brain that says, “Stop! Remove finger from stove immediately.” In a similar way, emotional pain alerts a person to the fact that release should be sought. Relief is seldom as simple or easy as removing one’s finger from a stove top. A person in emotional pain is alerted to finding the source of the pain and like cutting an onion, peeling away the layers of thinking and behavior patterns she/he has acquired through a lifetime that intensify the painful responses to the immediate circumstances.

Birth pains are an essential part of giving birth to a baby. Although we work to minimize that pain, we know to completely eliminate birth pains is not the primary concern. The primary concern is to deliver a healthy baby and have a healthy mom.

Perhaps the caregiver’s job is to help the person understand the message or purpose of pain. Too often the shepherd herself feels a discomfort with the pain of another and instinctively joins the help-seeker in finding ways to cover up the sensation. This is more likely to occur if the shepherd’s pattern of dealing with her own pain is to simply find a quick relief.

DO know that another’s pain may feel uncomfortable to you.
This is the third Guideline for Shepherding (in our listing of Do’s and Don’ts) that we’ve been considering (For the first two Guidelines, see “I was a young inexperienced and untrained pastors’ wife when I first met Marianne.” )

Remind yourself that even though another’s pain may not be something you enjoy seeing, it may be a necessary part of growing. (Certainly exceptions to this are physical and sexual abuses. If a person is in immediate danger of abuse she/he certainly needs to be relieved of that kind of pain.)

After the Novocain injection relieves the pain of a toothache, should a patient get up and walk away from the pain-inducing process of filling a decayed tooth, he is no better off. Obviously, the numbness will soon wear off and the pain will return because the underlying cause or source of the pain has been avoided.

There are multiple biblical texts encouraging us to “…greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed (I Peter 1:6-7). “…Whenever you face trials of many kinds…you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything….” (James 1:2-4).

Often it is in a painful place that God gets our best attention. To simply relieve or deny the pain (if that is even possible) may be to rob a person of God’s best work in her/his life. Rather, walking along side someone IN the pain may be some of the most effective work of a good shepherd.

Quotes taken from the following:

Shepherding Women in Pain, Bev Hislop, Moody Publishers, 23-24.
Hurt People Hurt People, Sandra Wilson, Thomas Nelson, 5.
Shepherding a Woman’s Heart, Beverly W. Hislop, Moody Publishers, 137-138.

I was determined I could help Marianne turn the ship of her life around, given enough positive input and encouragement. I had assumed her family and friends were too quickly judging her, not giving her the positive input she needed to move forward. I set out to fill the role of Marianne’s personal encourager.

I began by telling her I cared and I wanted to spend time together. She called me regularly and talked until I ended the conversation, often one or two hours later. I wanted to “be there for her.” Each time I had a suggestion, or gave input, she would quickly assure me she had tried that. She went on to convey the latest drama with great relish.

After several months, I finally realized Marianne had no intentions of changing her life. She really liked her life the way it was. She enjoyed being center stage in family head shaking and “what are we going to do with Marianne” discussions. Her adventures provided new family stories. It was her role in the family system. It was what she knew best.

Through that very draining experience I learned several important guidelines (Do’s and Don’ts) for shepherding—here are only the first two.

1. DO discover if she/he really wants to grow or change.
We cannot assume that because people like talking about their problems, that they actually want to move forward. Giving Marianne suggestions, asking questions and giving her options were ways to discover her level of interest in changing her lifestyle. She not only did not want to receive input, she did not follow through with suggested options. Simply giving more encouragement and positive input are not magical formulas. The Mariannes in our communities can potentially drain even the best-intentioned shepherd. Shepherds need to set and hold clear boundaries, while evaluating their ministry priorities (which can be a healthy model to those we shepherd).

I finally acknowledged the value of balancing my time with people who have teachable spirits, people who want to move forward and will follow-through with suggestions or “homework.” Offering to meet a second or third time only AFTER they have completed a reading, or made a suggested contact may be a catalyst for them to move forward. This often provides the hope they need.

2. DO know “What I can do” and “What I cannot do.” The following list is only an example. Make your own list for each situation.

What I can do                                                      What I cannot do

1. Be an active listener                                       1. Change her
2. Designate time to be available                     2. Go without regular sleep
3. Get more help                                                  3. Do it all alone
4. Pray for her                                                       4. Cure her hurts or fix it
5. Suggest professional help                            5. Erase past pain/choices

You may want to share this list verbally with the person you are shepherding. This list would have helped both Marianne and me by forcing us to set healthy boundaries and realistic expectations. Unlimited listening time and twenty-four/seven availability alone are not the solution to another’s problems. Checking the list when I felt the urge to fix her problems would have confirmed my decision to do only “what I can do” while acknowledging “what I cannot do.” Obviously, items on the right of the list call for both Marianne’s involvement in the process, plus other people who are also willing to come alongside her.

Does this mean we ignore the “Mariannes?” Of course not! However, inviting the Mariannes to connect anytime and talk interminably is neither healthy nor effective. Expressing love and kindness can be done consistently, within healthy boundaries, while letting her know you are available for more extensive engagement when she is ready to move forward.

Meantime, pray!

See also Shepherding a Woman’s Heart, Beverly W. Hislop, Moody Publishers and Caring WithoutWearing, Carol Travilla, NavPress.

Many of us could relate to her tensions: we want to help; we really do care; but this is exhausting!

Do I need to always be available and give to anyone who asks of me? Certainly there are times of crises that demand more time up front, but what about the following week or month? How long can I keep up this constant demand on my time and resources while strengthening my spiritual growth?

Each of us is given only 24/7. Yet there are days I think I would pay to get 25….and days I am so glad there are only 24 hours in each day! Ask a mother who has spent the day with her three small children, a businessperson who has spent the day negotiating budgets with department heads, or a nurse who spends the day at the beside of a dying patient. At the end of the day they are likely exhausted. Why? Because people contribute to or draw from our inner energy levels in ways we may not even be aware.

Someone has said, “Some folks bring joy wherever they go; others bring joy when they go.” Anyone in leadership will discover people work is never-ending. The question for the leader is how will my choices of time-use affect my own health and spiritual passion?

That day on the phone our conversation covered several relevant topics. At the conclusion of our visit I shared a paradigm that has helped me in my attempts to navigate similar challenging waters.
Awareness of the five kinds of people that affect spiritual passion (modified from Gordon MacDonald’s Renewing Your Spiritual Passion) can help check our time commitment choices.

1. People who IGNITE our passion –These people are very resourceful people who always make a positive contribution to our world. They rarely leave without leaving us feeling uplifted, impelled to great growth and more aware of further possibilities. They are our models, we study their ways and customize them for ourselves. We lean on them for direction. We gain energy from their courage and maturity. They are clearly an addition to who we are and what we are doing.

2. People who SHARE our passion—These are our teammates and together we know the whole is greater than its parts. We do not spend a lot of time trying to get along or determining who is in charge. We are bound together for a purpose and together we stimulate each other for better outcomes. Together we rejoice in our successes and weep in our disappointments. These people make a positive contribution to our lives.

3. People who CATCH our passion—These are very trainable people who catch our passion. Although this requires energy on our part, we are glad to cooperate because we sense the possibilities in them. It is in the sharing of ourselves that we stir our own passion to serve and grow because we see the immediate effect it has upon them.

4. People who ENJOY our passion—These are very nice people, they come in large numbers and we love to have them around. They clap, laugh and build our egos. They fill the pews, the rooms and programs. But the truth of the matter is they contribute very little. They do not add to our passion, nor do they seriously diminish it. They simply enjoy it.

5. People who SAP our passion—These are very draining people who consume our passion relentlessly. Gordon says, “I discovered as time went by that every cluster of people (business, school, and church) has a percentage of these people.” They will be drawn to a healthy group of people and will remain until they become self-sustaining or until they are pushed away. A healthy cluster of people will loss its vitality (passion) mysteriously and unpredictably because there are simply too many very draining people to sustain. The life of the group becomes problem or crisis oriented and forward movement becomes impossible. If they are permitted to relentlessly drain leaders of their passion it will ultimately create a climate in which no one will want to serve in leadership. This is true on a personal level as well as group level.

This visual prompts me to ask often, “With whom am I spending most of my time?”

__________________________________________________________________________________
--SAP         -- + ENJOY         + CATCH         ++SHARE            +++IGNITE

Jesus did not respond to everyone’s demands. It seems Jesus’ carefully allocated his time. A case could be made for five examples in Jesus’ life: God the Father, Peter/James/John, Twelve Disciples, Crowds, and Pharisees.

I affirmed my friend’s desire to help. Much of my own life has been spent ministering to “women in pain.” That desire to help others is not to be diminished. Simply our effectiveness as caregivers will be greatly enhanced as we are intentional about strengthening our spiritual passion.

Five years prior the doctor suggested we track progress with the possibility of the need for a heart valve repair in the distant future. Apparently “the future” was here. 

My husband’s heart valve repair surgery was scheduled for Thanksgiving week. 

I recall returning home alone the night before the early morning surgery. As I crawled into bed and looked at the empty pillow next to me, I cried out to God, “Is this how it’s going to look now? Or will you fill this empty place again with my dearest friend on the planet, my husband?” 

As a friend said to me recently, “Bev, you’ve written Shepherding Women in Pain, but how does it work when the shepherd is in pain?” She continued, “Frankly, the greatest pain for me during this time of a cancer diagnosis has been the hard things well-meaning friends have said to me. Bev, they just don’t get it!” 

I could relate to my friend’s frustration. It seems easier when you are on the outside looking in, but what a different view when YOU are the one experiencing emotional pain. 

Well-meaning friends said to me:

• “You teach pastoral care, you’ll know what to do.”
• “My uncle also had an open heart surgery and he survived fine. He has since gone to be with the Lord. Your husband will do fine. He’ll be fine. He’ll be fine.” (He’s dead! Is that supposed to be comforting? Easy for you to say “He’ll be fine!” How do you know?)
• “God never gives us more than we can bear.” (Not comforting at the outset.)
• “I know exactly how you feel. Just keep praying.” (No one can know exactly how another feels.)
• “If there’s anything you need, let me know.” (Putting one foot in front of the other may be all the person in pain is able to do. They may not be able to even articulate their needs, let alone ask.)  

Typically at the first impact of loss (real or threatened), few words are best. Presence counts more. Sometimes silence can be comforting. Don’t feel you have to have just the right thing to say. It may minister to someone in extreme pain to receive (verbally or in writing) one of the following simple expressions. 

• I am praying for you (if you really are!)
• I don’t know what to say (acknowledge how hard this is).
• I love you. I care about you & your husband (if you do).
• I’m concerned about you. You mean a lot to me and I want to help (offer specific help).
• I wanted to come here (to the hospital) and just be with you (without feeling like you have to keep a conversation going non-stop).  

Memories of my mom’s story ending in loss—leaving me no chance to say “good-bye” to my beloved dad—dominated. It happened so quickly and we were thousands of miles away. The grief seemed endless as did the conversations with God. 

Would my father’s artificial heart valve failure be duplicated in the second man most loved in my life? The possibility gripped my heart and drove me to my knees before God my Father. I remember that night alone trying to regain my equilibrium in conversation with God about the unknown future. Words do not adequately convey those experiences. Often we do not receive the answers for which we are searching, but we begin to see God in a new light. Oh, it’s not God who has changed, rather he’s opened our eyes to see him more accurately: his true character, rather than the caricature in which we’ve been trusting. 

I am so grateful that the pillow beside me is now filled nightly with the presence of my dear husband. The gift of family and friends sitting with us in the hospital and then visiting during the six month recovery in our home is a lingering sweetness. The reality of my husband’s presence is even more endearing as I recall those intimate times with my Savior.  

Authors writing their stories of extreme pain, loss and darkness may enlighten our own quest for God. Mike Mason’s journey led him to write one of my favorite books, The Gospel According to Job, An Honest Look at Pain and Doubt from the Life of One Who Lost Everything. Mason digs deep into the book of Job, but serves his findings on digestible two-paged sightings.  

Our family has one more life-giving reason to give THANKS to our Good Shepherd, especially Thanksgiving week.

What expressions of care and/or conversations with God have been most meaningful to you during a time of anticipated or real loss?

The anniversary date reaction is often manifested each year with heaviness, depression or a deep sadness around the time the abortion was performed or when the baby would have been born.  Mother’s Day is an especially difficult and painful day for many post-abortive women. The person with PAS suffers from impacted grieving, similar to an impacted wisdom tooth.  This grief is fully formed but below the surface and difficult to extract. 

In her book, Helping People Get through Grief, Deloris Kuenning states that grief suffered as a result of abortion is unlike any other loss.  She identifies the following problems that arise in grieving the loss of an aborted child.  

1. There is no external evidence that a baby ever existed.  The baby exists not even as a memory of a baby but as a memory of a pregnancy.

2. There is no formal ritual such as a funeral where friends and family can acknowledge her loss and grieve with her.

3. The woman has little support because few people are told about the abortion. For those who do know it usually becomes “the elephant in the living room” that no one talks about.

4. The woman has no permission to grieve openly. She suffers in secret, feeling like she is strange for having feelings of grief.

5. The grief is complicated by the guilt of responsibility for ending her baby’s life.  Many women find it difficult to forgive themselves. They live in pain and isolation.

6. If she tells someone, she may experience rejection, disapproval or judgment, which is devastating and causes her to retreat further into secrecy and isolation.  Or, because of her fear, she may never tell anyone.

7. Few are knowledgeable about how to help women work through the steps necessary to find healing, forgiveness and reconciliation with God.

8. Because those who advocate abortion provide no information about PAS to prepare the woman, she is surprised by her feelings of grief and loss, and feels she is abnormal.

9. Because of the heavy denial involved, the grief cycle and the timing are different from those experienced with other types of loss.  We have seen women whose abortions were 15, 23, even 35 years earlier.  The postponement of the grief creates a unique dynamic.  

Each person’s healing journey is unique and should not be compared with other women.  The small group experience is affirming and helps each woman begin to see God’s healing hand. The group helps a woman process her own past, especially when she hears and sees she is not alone. Although reasons for having an abortion vary, there is always hope and healing in the Lord. A shepherd offers compassion and sensitivity by willingly listening to her story. If Jesus could say to the woman caught in adultery, “Neither do I condemn you,” (John 8:11) certainly we too can reflect that kind of acceptance.  

See “Helpful Things to Say and Do” as well as web sites listing local support groups, on pages 148-150, Chapter 11, “Abortion Recovery,” Mindy Johnson, in Shepherding Women in Pain.

Imagine a single event dramatically changing your calendar, your checkbook, your friendship network, the contents of your refrigerator, the temperature you set your thermostat, your outlook on your future and your connection with your children. 

And that’s not all.  

Your appearance may change your emotions, your sleep patterns, your theology, your social status and possibly your address. 

I experienced most of these changes and more beginning April 21, 2006—the day I became a widow. I don’t like the word and still will not check that box to identify myself. Turning points in life are often choices. But becoming a widow happens. 

Grief, loneliness, anger, disappointment—these are not new emotions to a widow—but they have an intensity we never experienced before. While these emotions are similar for people who experience other losses, somehow ours is different.  

These emotions—loneliness, anger, grief, depression—cannot be neatly sorted out, each in its separate compartment. At times they clump together like an army intent on taking us out. At other times we experience one “solo.” The wound is large and we question whether we will heal, and, if so, when? 

We know some facts about our emotions as widows. It’s comforting to know that while we don’t like the feelings, they are common, to be expected, and indeed normal, considering our loss. 

Facts we know about emotions:

• Our emotions are intense. Why? Two became one and now half of us is ripped away. Every aspect of our life changes, like it or not, ready or not.
• Our emotions must be acknowledged. Denial is not a healthy permanent option. Admitting what we feel is the beginning of moving forward and being able to make changes in our new life.
• Our emotions can become empowering and energizing and a positive force as we create a new life. I realize this may be hard to believe if you are in those early months or even years.  

Moving Through Grief:

1. Be kind to yourself

2. Give yourself permission to forget the task at hand.

3. Write in a journal

4. Surround yourself with positive people

5. Be wary of people who want to direct your life

6. Give yourself permission to try new things

7. Attend to your health, since grief can weaken the immune system

8. When it feels right, change the furniture layout in a room

Read more on the above 8 items, as well as increase your understanding of a widow's painful, yet healing journey from Neff's personal experience and professional insights.

Taken from Miriam Neff’s book, From One Widow to Another, conversations on the new you, pages 11, 17-18, 20-23.

by this event.

We are painfully aware

that life

can never be the same again,

that yesterday is over,

that relationships once rich

have ended.

But there is another way

to look upon this truth.

If life went on the same

without the presence of

the one who has died,

we could only conclude

that the life we here remember

made no contribution,

filled no space,

meant nothing.

The fact that this individual

left behind a place

that cannot be filled

is a high tribute

to this individual.

Life can be the same

after a trinket

has been lost,

but never after

the loss of a treasure.

            --Paul Irion

 Grief is not a problem to be cured. It is simply a statement that you have loved someone.

Quoted from A Passage Through Grief, Barbara Baumgardner.

My sister and I sat out on the screened in porch of the care center with mom. The sun was shining; the 70 degree Florida weather was delightful! Mom enjoyed watching the squirrel run across the outside roof, commented on the one hibiscus blossom and the warmth of the sun on her shoulder. Before we realized it, she was commenting on enjoying her porch, her flowers, and the squirrel she feeds daily. Carole and suddenly realized she was again very much at home in the present. There were no “should have, could have or ought to's.” Although her own house was very different than the care center, she was “at home” with herself and with us. She seemed to be a contented innocent child.

I spend so much of my day preparing for the next day (teaching, vision-casting, etc.,) that I can easily lose that ability to be fully present. My husband has listened to me describe a perfect vacation, “One hour, one day, or one week when I don’t have to think about the next one.”  Mom now lives in that on-going vacation. Oh, that I would.

As I was about to leave the center on the first day of my visit, I said, “Mom, I’ll see you again tomorrow.” She looked at me and said, “Oh really? Are you sure?”  Obviously, none of us can be sure about tomorrow. Proverbs 27:1 is pretty clear, “Do not boast about tomorrow, for you do not know what a day may bring forth.” Matthew 6:25-34 tells us we have no reason to worry about tomorrow: our lives, food or drink, our body, what we’ll wear… “Tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of is own.” I guess I am not really sure if I’ll see her tomorrow. Mom understands this better than I do.  If I come, great. If I don’t, great. Mom will still be here (I hope) either way. If only I could be that content with what tomorrow might bring (or not bring). 

The message from God through my mom was taking shape. The final paragraph came when mom spotted a tiny flower lying sideways inside a dirt-filled pot. She immediately began to enjoy its color, fragrance and form. We listened and encouraged her to pick it up and hold it. She declined, not wanted to damage it. Even after we identified it as a plastic flower she assured us that God made flowers and we could delight in his handiwork. Again, her ability to see beauty in the tiniest weathered artificial representation of the real thing was inspiring. 

Oh Lord, may I live in the present each moment of this day. Like mom.

Heather-Dawn continually travels world-wide to encourage and train women who are women’s ministry division directors around the world. She writes: 

In my personal prayer consulting (I consult God in prayer), I have learned that I often have a warped view of God.  Too easily I cower from a celestial bully barely tempered by grace, expecting my heavenly Father to be like a violent man I once knew.  I've begun challenging these assumptions in prayer.  Here's an example: 

The well worn quote from Teddy Roosevelt, "Speak softly and carry a big stick," came to mind as I stood with my hands in the air and my face turned toward heaven. I was not worshipping. I was questioning. I wondered whether God was speaking softly or warming up to begin whacking me with His big stick.

On May 16th we were in the basement and thought that perhaps our children were staging an elaborate flash mob dance above our heads. Unfortunately, no. The sound came when our washing machine began marching about on its own. It rocked the house. The door to the laundry room was violently blocked. With great effort, my husband was able to turn the insanity machine off. The next morning I phoned the man who had repaired our dryer last July. From a service call of $45, we found that our fancy high efficiency front loader was irreparable. We bought a rebuilt old fashioned model and had it delivered for $200.

Early the next week my husband began repairing our sink. The leak was a bigger deal than we expected. We ended up needing to replace the whole faucet. Not too big a deal, $100. Our former house had a hot tap and filter as well, and since we brought them along he decided to add those to the undersink work. 20 hours +$20 more.

Thursday, May 27th was chilly. It became quite cool in our house. Our four year old furnace broke. I phoned the company who installed it and found that the parts were still under warranty. A repairman came and put a temporary fix on it. He had to order a part and we all hoped the heat would stay on until the part came. For the service call and a plan which would, in the end, save us money, we spent $304.

A check engine light began glowing on our van's dash on May 24th. My husband optimistically scheduled a maintenance appointment for Friday, May28th. This was our first day out of school for the summer. It was not an auspicious start, but seemed practical and responsible.

The next day, May 25th, I was enveloped in a sudden cloudburst during my lunch break. Unfortunately I was also driving. The cloud was inside the car with me. Not the van with the ominous service light, our other car. I pulled to the side of the road and opened the hood.  Hood opening seemed the smart thing to do, but I had no idea what my next step was. Looking inside, I found a two inch long slit in a grey hose. It was a good thing the problem was obvious. Duct tape was readily available, so I taped it up and drove to the shop. Arriving in a glorious display, I checked our commuter car in. By the end of that day we paid the shop $688.

On the following evening, my spouse found himself at Home Depot with a shredded tire during a downpour. Our van, lights still glowing, now needed new tires. We scheduled that in.

To take care of my long suffering husband's wet grubby clothes, I used the new/reconditioned washer. The permanent press cycle seemed a bit off. I hoped it was a bit off, anyway. Using that setting I could actually wring water from the newly washed clothes. The other cycles worked fine, so denial seemed my best option.

The second furnace guy came on May 27th to install the new part. He was cordial, appreciated our fancy filtered water, and got the furnace running well. I was also offered the chance to purchase a new thermostat. Declining the top-of-the-line heat tuner seemed the best choice (it would have been another $150).

Thursday I was home alone and planned to use my quiet day doing laundry. About lunch time a violent stomping began in the small room above my head. This time I was certain the kids were not jiving above me. Angry, I called the man who sold me a busted washing machine. His vocabulary worsened, but I was pretty sure that he said he'd come Friday.

He did not come on Friday. Instead I stayed home waiting for the man in a cold house. It cooled quickly. Our son turned on the fireplace while I called the furnace people. It seemed that the repairmen might meet. Sarcastically I wondered if perhaps they'd become friends on Facebook. Then I had the opportunity to meet a new furnace serviceman (remember it I'd already seen them twice). He was very pleasant, as he fixed the problem. He called it an obstruction rather than a clog, making my pains more valid. I was very grateful that he didn't try to chat. It was gracious of him to leave me alone since I had to go to the auto shop.

When I took the van in for its repairs the cost was $537. Then I drove the large sliver wallet-grabber to Les Schwab. The new tires cost $403. I reminded God that teachers don't get paychecks during the summer.

Today, as I write, a leak has sprung in my living room. There is a slow trickle of water coming down the inside of the window to form a puddle on the sill. I ponder. Is this my transcendent moment? Do Christians even get to have those? What is the correct response? After getting a towel to mop the little lake, I call my husband and get his answering machine. Though he calls me back, neither of us are sure where to go from here--maybe Home Depot for caulk--but spiritually I am stuck. I wonder what my long expensive list means, and whether we will have to replace the siding on our house like many of our neighbors. We can pray that a whole bunch of caulk will do the trick, but God may answer, “No."

Adding up these incidents, it is hard to question my response (hands in the air, head toward heaven). Months later it still makes sense to me. I want to hurry up and learn my lesson before the next big disaster. Maybe, though, God is different than I expect. He usually is. In fact, I am really sure I don't know Him like I could. Knowing God is so much larger than the hit on my bank account, longer than all of the waiting for repairs, warmer than my currently-working furnace and more important than the puddle in my living room. I believe that is my purpose: to know Him. I believe that and then stuff starts breaking; I believe that and yet I continue to second guess His character.

"Speak softly, and carry a big stick," the proverb quoted by President Roosevelt, urges caution and non-aggression with the potential to use violence if required. God could act that way, this could be in His character; some people would argue for it. In prayer, though, I asked God what I needed to learn and He directed me to John 9. It was clear. I really expected something different, not John 9, maybe Joshua 7 (where the Jews loose in battle due to a hidden sin). In John 9, Jesus says that the struggles of a man born blind had purpose, "this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life."

While Joshua 7 (God's just and painful response to a sinful decision) is completely relevant, I am learning that sometimes John 9 is the answer. I wonder why it is that I expect the back of God's hand rather than the healing sanctified spit-enriched mud. Certainly I deserve the former. I am not saying that this series of expensive events could not be God's discipline. Truly, I expect that.

In prayer, though, that is not what God told me. Do I trust the voice of God enough to let this be a, "work of God displayed in (my) life"? I hope to.  It seems it would be easier to try to grunt my way through learning a lesson than to submit to my gentle Savior. If this were more like a class I could look at the figurative clock and see when it was going to be over. This time, though, the situation is not controlled. My effort and response to the situations do not determine the end point. God's ways are sometimes messy, maybe that's why Jesus used spit to heal the blind man.

It feels like I've been bathed in the broken break-dancing washing machine and am still soggy. I am resigned, but don't want to become a fatalist. Permanent press is only good for clothes, and only in a working washer. Obstructions are not what I want and my view of God may be a bigger blockage than I had in the furnace. My check engine light is bright orange, but I don't want a cloudy, shredded Teddy Roosevelt type of Jesus. To spend all this money, time and shivering and not be changed by it would be unworthy of the God I say I want to know. The disciples followed Jesus before He died on the cross and rose again. They were willing to give up their jobs, comfort and reputations to become like Him before they had even tasted the fish He cooked after His resurrection. He loved them and they knew it. Jesus changed lives all around them every day. His work was displayed in each of their imperfect lives. I'll rest in that... grab another towel for my leaky window and a tissue for my eyes.  

Jesus loves me and in prayer, I remember.

As this woman moved away from me and my ultrasound picture, another kind friend came toward her. This gentle person sat beside her and told her she was not alone. The two of them spoke quietly for a long while. Graciously God provided a person who could help this young woman process some of the pain she carried.

I knew people had abortions, yet I was surprised to find that the young woman who abruptly left my side was one of them.

Statistics from the US Department of Health and Human Resources say that in 2005 one out of five pregnancies ended in abortion (excluding miscarriages)*. If these numbers are even close to accurate, then most people in the US know a woman who has had an abortion. This painful truth is one that shepherds must be prepared for. A woman grieving this kind of secret shameful loss often stifles her pain. She may believe that communities of faith will not accept her and might even spurn her. Baby showers, birth news and common things like Sunday morning children’s choirs can cause a woman to feel a rejection that pushes her further from healing. The unexpected rebuff isolates a woman who is already deeply hurt.

Believers are often passionately pro-life, but may not be sensitized to the needs of the woman who regrets her decision to abort. When churches stop at anti-abortion and do not move toward reality and forgiveness, the woman suffering with post abortion symptoms is left holding her pain. She may believe that God will refuse to forgive her.

Help is available, resources such as http://www.portlandheart.org/index.htm  (gives a checklist of common symptoms of Post-Abortive Stress) and http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/post-abortion-syndrome.htm  (gives a brief description of common symptoms and guide sufferers toward help). As the church moves to embrace the woman who made the decision to abort, there will be discomfort. This is hard and many people have been hurt—but the process of acknowledging sin and accepting God’s forgiveness will produce great joy. This brings to mind the story from Luke 7. The woman who was forgiven much has a greater depth of devotion to give to her Healer.

I believe the reason I was still open to hearing what God had to say was the prayers of my grandmother.  She was the mother of three alcoholics, and I know she endured many sleepless nights.  But she continued to pray through all the generations.  It was looking back, observing what God had done in the past that continued to carry me through these days and the days that followed.

When life is bitter, providing hope by affirming a new kind of normal is essential.  Carol Kent, founder and president of Speak Up for Hope, shares fresh truths and renewed courage as she tells how her son’s incarceration changed her life.  Carol’s perspective on faith in the midst of pain will provide essential tools for those who want to help others through disappointment to triumph.   

--Taken from A New Kind of Normal, Carol Kent, p.102

When friends called, why is it that I couldn't force myself to reveal my neediness? Why is it that I did not call any one of the many phone numbers I have for people who care for me...?

Loneliness is, after all, only human. In fact, a lovely part of being human, an evidence of our connectedness. In theory.

It feels to me like a weakness.

A shameful point of vulnerability

A flaw.

A fault.

!@#$%! this old prison.

I hate this part of who I am as a wounded woman.

This cold, aloof, superior, hard, machine-like, unbending, frightened part of my soul.

Even as I lash out at myself, I know this is not the path to healing.

Catherine would say, “Hug her. She needs your love. She‘s just scared and lonely.”

Tears come…and so does gratitude.

I am thankful I don’t live in this prison anymore.

Though I do, from time to time, find myself visiting an old prison.

I hear God’s inviting words echo in my head, “For freedom Christ has set us free. Stand firm, therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1.

Have you visited any old prisons along your way? 

Read more from Janet Davis and gain the wisdom of professional insight and the heart of a hurting mother as she walks through the news of her son's brain tumor, just as he is about to enter law school.

        ----Taken from SACRED HEALING: MRIs, Marigolds, and Miracles, Janet Davis, p. 195-196.

Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal.Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable....The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all dangers...of love is hell.  (C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves, page 196. Quoted from Shepherding Women in Pain, page 50.)

In your life experience, what have you found? I'd love to hear from you!

1. What are you going to do?

2. What are your options?

3. What are the implications of that choice?

4. How will that choice impact you? Impact others?

5. What road blocks do you anticipate? How will you move through them?

6. What resources will you need? Where will your support come from?

7. What do you want your life to be like in five years?

8. How will the choices you are making now bring you the hoped for benefits?

9. What do you think God ants you to do?

10. Where do you feel God is in all this?

These are taken from page 153, Shepherding a Woman's Heart, Beverly White Hislop, Moody Publishers.

Someone has said,

1,000 years are like 1 day -- to an adult.

1 day is like 1,000 years -- to a child.

 --Perspective!

I have been praying for God’s perspective, God’s heart, ears, and eyes. I want to see what God sees in our world—at least I think I do. I may not be able to bear it, in reality.

One way I’ve found to gain perspective is to spend time in silence and solitude—time NOT doing necessary tasks or even expected tasks, but rather laying everything down and simply listening to God.Once in God’s presence, I figuratively sit with the name of the person in pain on the table in front of me and God. Then I listen to God’s prompting for what to pray for that person. Sometimes it is surprising the prayer God prompts me to pray. One thing I know for sure, my need to suggest to God a way to “fix it” or a specific way God should change her/his thinking has not surfaced in the “listening together” kind of praying. What a relief to realize I don’t need to come up with a way to solve the problem or relieve the pain in her life! I just need to sit quietly before God with her name in front of us.

• Sometimes God prompts me to communicate my love and care for her in a more direct way. Sometimes He gives me a Scripture to share with her.
• Sometimes He asks me to sit longer, to deepen my care for her before God, to pray for her without telling her I am praying.
• Sometimes He asks me to trust God with her, or assures me He will send someone else (not me) into her life to encourage her, to light her pathway in the dark places. I rejoice together with God in this.

Perhaps that is what God meant when he gave me these verses for this school year…and I thought the obvious meaning was all there was…So I say to you, ASK and it will be given to you, SEEK and you will find, KNOCK and the door will be open to you. For everyone who ASKS receives, those who SEEK, find. To those who KNOCK, the door will be opened (Luke 11:9-10).

How do you bring perspective to the pain of others which you carry?

Geese looking for their eggs? How could something so detached from my daily life make such a great impact? Geese looking for the eggs they had previously laid. Eggs that had not hatched three months after they were laid. Typically eggs hatch around 30 days.Three months of sitting, sitting, and expecting new life.  But today the geese could not find their eggs. They were missing.

When author Margaret Feinberg in Scouting the Divine, asked what happened to the eggs, Lynn revealed she had thrown the eggs in the creek! Margaret's response reflected my own. "My eyes bugged in disbelief. I couldn't help blurting out, 'why?'" These actions seemed cold and cruel--a far cry from the women who loved her sheep. 

“Because they were infertile,” Lynn said. “They will never hatch. I need to get these geese back to their regular life….The only way to get them back to the way they’re supposed to be living is to take away their dead eggs.”

Sometimes compassion and wisdom remove the dead eggs.

What are the “dead eggs” in your life? What are the empty promises of the enemy that will never yield life—only self-destruction and death. How long will we focus on the pain of the past, ruminating about the past, wishing it was different. How long will we stay stuck in something that has taken us off track? 

Perhaps God is saying, “It’s time to get back to the life I’ve given you.”

What are your “dead eggs?”

How have you helped others remove their dead eggs?

I was in Orlando—the sunshine state—not to catch the rays, but for a more solemn reason, to move my mom into a care center.  Although I got bronchitis and sinusitis immediately upon arrival, I still had the task of cleaning out mom's house for renters. My sister was such a great support—really she’s been an angel in caring for my mom. God answered our insistent prayers, that in spite of her dementia, mom was able to make the transition fairly well--not without shared tears, but compliantly. I will miss calling her on my way to work in the mornings.

Grieving this change and fighting the symptoms of bronchitis and sinusitis while packing, I cried out to God, "This is too hard!"  Suddenly my attention went to a tiny picture left above mom's kitchen stove. In that moment it seemed God was saying the words on that little wooden piece just to me, “Is anything too hard for the LORD?” Gen. 18:14. Tears flooded my eyes as I stood alone in her house and tucked those words into my bag.

God did the impossible that day. As I went to the ticket counter, I was given a window seat in first class (I was using accumulated miles for this trip!). If that wasn’t enough, I was given my favorite breakfast meal! After re-boarding in Dallas, I was again put in 1^st class and offered the last salad with salmon –again my favorite dish! I finally got it! God was pouring his love on me and re-assuring me that NOTHING is too hard for him. Including no coughing, blowing, choking, etc. the entire trip! Nearly two hours from home, tears began rolling down my checks while listening to praise music. Our incredible Creator had my full attention now and he was showing off the glory of the heavenlies—right outside my airplane window!

Once I returned home and opened my journal to record this, I found the last thing I had written before I left was—you guessed it! “Is anything too hard for the LORD?” Gen 18:14!!! God had given me that verse before I left.

So I ask you, as we enter this new year together, “IS ANYTHING TOO HARD FOR THE LORD?” Gen 18:14. I have needed this reassurance every day in 2010.

How about you?