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I was lonely today. And ashamed of it.

Bev Hislop — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 22:02:36 GMT

When friends called, why is it that I couldn't force myself to reveal my neediness? Why is it that I did not call any one of the many phone numbers I have for people who care for me...?

Loneliness is, after all, only human. In fact, a lovely part of being human, an evidence of our connectedness. In theory.

It feels to me like a weakness.

A shameful point of vulnerability

A flaw.

A fault.

!@#$%! this old prison.

I hate this part of who I am as a wounded woman.

This cold, aloof, superior, hard, machine-like, unbending, frightened part of my soul.

Even as I lash out at myself, I know this is not the path to healing.

Catherine would say, “Hug her. She needs your love. She‘s just scared and lonely.”

Tears come…and so does gratitude.

I am thankful I don’t live in this prison anymore.

Though I do, from time to time, find myself visiting an old prison.

I hear God’s inviting words echo in my head, “For freedom Christ has set us free. Stand firm, therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1.

Have you visited any old prisons along your way?

Read more from Janet Davis and gain the wisdom of professional insight and the heart of a hurting mother as she walks through the news of her son's brain tumor, just as he is about to enter law school.

----Taken from SACRED HEALING: MRIs, Marigolds, and Miracles, Janet Davis, p. 195-196.

To love at all is to be vunerable

Bev Hislop — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 02:13:39 GMT

This quote stopped me in my tracks. Why love? Who wants to be vulnerable to pain? Yet, the alternative is even less appealing. Here's rest of the quote:

Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal.Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable....The only place outside heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all dangers...of love is hell. (C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves, page 196. Quoted from Shepherding Women in Pain, page 50.)

In your life experience, what have you found? I'd love to hear from you!

Janine was in a lot of pain. She wanted me to tell her what to do.

Bev Hislop — Mon, 12 Jul 2010 02:14:34 GMT

I realized if I told her what to do, she would continue to look to me for the answers to her problems. I wanted to see Janine begin to seek God's leading in her painful situation. The healthy shepherding response sometimes is simply asking good questions. What most of us really need is to have someone help us process our own thoughts and decisions. Here are 10 questions to ask someone who is struggling with what to do:

1. What are you going to do?

2. What are your options?

3. What are the implications of that choice?

4. How will that choice impact you? Impact others?

5. What road blocks do you anticipate? How will you move through them?

6. What resources will you need? Where will your support come from?

7. What do you want your life to be like in five years?

8. How will the choices you are making now bring you the hoped for benefits?

9. What do you think God ants you to do?

10. Where do you feel God is in all this?

These are taken from page 153, Shepherding a Woman's Heart, Beverly White Hislop, Moody Publishers.

Sometimes the pain in people’s lives is so deep, so all pervasive that it can seem overwhelming,

Bev Hislop — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 17:32:23 GMT

even to the listener. The pain of others can stockpile in our own hearts and leave us in agony. That is unless we find ways to bring perspective. How do you bring perspective?

Someone has said,

1,000 years are like 1 day -- to an adult.

1 day is like 1,000 years -- to a child.

--Perspective!

I have been praying for God’s perspective, God’s heart, ears, and eyes. I want to see what God sees in our world—at least I think I do. I may not be able to bear it, in reality.

One way I’ve found to gain perspective is to spend time in silence and solitude—time NOT doing necessary tasks or even expected tasks, but rather laying everything down and simply listening to God.Once in God’s presence, I figuratively sit with the name of the person in pain on the table in front of me and God. Then I listen to God’s prompting for what to pray for that person. Sometimes it is surprising the prayer God prompts me to pray. One thing I know for sure, my need to suggest to God a way to “fix it” or a specific way God should change her/his thinking has not surfaced in the “listening together” kind of praying. What a relief to realize I don’t need to come up with a way to solve the problem or relieve the pain in her life! I just need to sit quietly before God with her name in front of us.

Sometimes God prompts me to communicate my love and care for her in a more direct way. Sometimes He gives me a Scripture to share with her.
Sometimes He asks me to sit longer, to deepen my care for her before God, to pray for her without telling her I am praying.
Sometimes He asks me to trust God with her, or assures me He will send someone else (not me) into her life to encourage her, to light her pathway in the dark places. I rejoice together with God in this.

Perhaps that is what God meant when he gave me these verses for this school year…and I thought the obvious meaning was all there was…So I say to you, ASK and it will be given to you, SEEK and you will find, KNOCK and the door will be open to you. For everyone who ASKS receives, those who SEEK, find. To those who KNOCK, the door will be opened (Luke 11:9-10).

How do you bring perspective to the pain of others which you carry?

Linda has cancer. Most people don't know Linda has cancer. Yet when she tries to talk about it

Bev Hislop — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 17:34:36 GMT

people often interrupt to tell her that they have a friend who also had cancer. The conversation becomes about the friend. Linda (not her real name) leaves feeling no one cares. Linda says she will stop talking about her cancer. It is just too lonely. It hurts too much.

If only someone would listen! Really listen…

My heart broke as Linda shared her pain with me. I wanted to make a global announcement: Could we please stop and really LISTEN?!

I remember when a close family member died. A dear friend simply listened—really listened! She didn’t even reach for the tissues; she simply stayed focused on me and took in everything I said. She let me cry. She didn’t seem uncomfortable with my tears. I felt the pain and loss deeply. I sensed she shared that with me. It was then I realized that a loving silence has far more power to heal than the most well intentioned words.

I admit I used to think people listened only because they were too timid to speak or did not know the answer.

The idea that listening is the most powerful way to connect to another person was new to me. It went against everything I had grown up believing. I didn’t realize there was a difference between hearing and listening. That day I discovered that hearing is something most of us unconsciously do, but listening is a skill that must be learned.

Perhaps one of the most important things we can give each other is our attention: fully and from the heart. When people are talking, there is no need to do anything except receive them. Just take them in. Listen to what they are saying. Care about it, even if you can’t understand it. There is power in simply saying, “I’m so sorry,” and meaning it.

I will never forget the response of several participating in a shepherd-training session of 1-1/2 minutes practicing the best possible listening skills (paying attention to body language and verbal clues—in addition to spoken words). Several of the participants said they had never felt truly heard as they did in that 1-1/2 minutes session!

What about you? Do you remember a time when you felt really listened to? What was that like for you?

Dead Eggs?

Bev Hislop — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 05:26:43 GMT

Geese looking for their eggs? How could something so detached from my daily life make such a great impact? Geese looking for the eggs they had previously laid. Eggs that had not hatched three months after they were laid. Typically eggs hatch around 30 days.Three months of sitting, sitting, and expecting new life. But today the geese could not find their eggs. They were missing.

When author Margaret Feinberg in Scouting the Divine, asked what happened to the eggs, Lynn revealed she had thrown the eggs in the creek! Margaret's response reflected my own. "My eyes bugged in disbelief. I couldn't help blurting out, 'why?'" These actions seemed cold and cruel--a far cry from the women who loved her sheep.

“Because they were infertile,” Lynn said. “They will never hatch. I need to get these geese back to their regular life….The only way to get them back to the way they’re supposed to be living is to take away their dead eggs.”

Sometimes compassion and wisdom remove the dead eggs.

What are the “dead eggs” in your life? What are the empty promises of the enemy that will never yield life—only self-destruction and death. How long will we focus on the pain of the past, ruminating about the past, wishing it was different. How long will we stay stuck in something that has taken us off track?

Perhaps God is saying, “It’s time to get back to the life I’ve given you.”

What are your “dead eggs?”

How have you helped others remove their dead eggs?

In the silent darkness of the early morning as I prepared to leave mom’s now empty house to catch my

Bev Hislop — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 05:45:41 GMT

plane, I asked God how would I ever make it. This is just too hard!

I was in Orlando—the sunshine state—not to catch the rays, but for a more solemn reason, to move my mom into a care center. Although I got bronchitis and sinusitis immediately upon arrival, I still had the task of cleaning out mom's house for renters. My sister was such a great support—really she’s been an angel in caring for my mom. God answered our insistent prayers, that in spite of her dementia, mom was able to make the transition fairly well--not without shared tears, but compliantly. I will miss calling her on my way to work in the mornings.

Grieving this change and fighting the symptoms of bronchitis and sinusitis while packing, I cried out to God, "This is too hard!" Suddenly my attention went to a tiny picture left above mom's kitchen stove. In that moment it seemed God was saying the words on that little wooden piece just to me, “Is anything too hard for the LORD?” Gen. 18:14. Tears flooded my eyes as I stood alone in her house and tucked those words into my bag.

God did the impossible that day. As I went to the ticket counter, I was given a window seat in first class (I was using accumulated miles for this trip!). If that wasn’t enough, I was given my favorite breakfast meal! After re-boarding in Dallas, I was again put in 1^st class and offered the last salad with salmon –again my favorite dish! I finally got it! God was pouring his love on me and re-assuring me that NOTHING is too hard for him. Including no coughing, blowing, choking, etc. the entire trip! Nearly two hours from home, tears began rolling down my checks while listening to praise music. Our incredible Creator had my full attention now and he was showing off the glory of the heavenlies—right outside my airplane window!

Once I returned home and opened my journal to record this, I found the last thing I had written before I left was—you guessed it! “Is anything too hard for the LORD?” Gen 18:14!!! God had given me that verse before I left.

So I ask you, as we enter this new year together, “IS ANYTHING TOO HARD FOR THE LORD?” Gen 18:14. I have needed this reassurance every day in 2010.

How about you?

Welcome

Holly Kisly — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 19:00:27 GMT

Welcome to the Shepherding Women blog! I am so glad you stopped by. I hope this will be only the beginning of a relationship that will continually enrich your personal and ministry life.

Most of my life has been spent observing and entering into the painful places in the lives of women. The settings vary. The contexts are multi-faceted. It is nearly impossible to travel down the road of life for long without finding someone stopped along the wayside, unable to get up by herself. I have been that woman lying along the wayside, unable to get up. What a gift to have an understanding shepherd stop, reach out an empathetic hand, and give a drink of water. I have also had the incredible privilege of being that shepherd who stops to assist a woman in pain.

Perhaps you can relate to my occasional feeling of wanting to look the other way. If I stopped, what would I say? What would I do? The fear of not knowing propels you to walk on the other side and ignore the woman in pain. You feel badly about it, but neither do you want to make things worse by saying or doing the “wrong” thing.

We are not alone in those feelings. A recent email from a woman in ministry said, “I have felt a strong need to have a resource for women in pain. Perhaps one book for each issue that sort of encapsulates the issue and that would serve as a primary resource for someone experiencing it or trying to help a person experiencing it. Not that I think a book solves everything, but perhaps it could help the person to feel less lost in a new situation.” I smiled as I read her email because I was able to tell her how many other men and women have expressed a similar need and that Shepherding Women in Pain is a book written specifically to meet this need.

This web site takes it a step further. Our intent is to provide resources and insights on a weekly basis for men and women—pastors, church leaders, directors of women’s ministries, para-church and non-profit leaders, counselors, co-workers, neighbors, friends and family—anyone who shepherds or counsels women in pain We will post a new blog every Tuesday—so be sure to check come back each week! In the next few months, excerpts from Shepherding Women in Pain will be posted along with other resources and links.

If you resonate with what Dennis Friesen, a founding pastor of Grace Community Church, wrote in the following forward to Shepherding Women in Pain, then you know you found a resource that will have life-changing impact for you and the women in your circle of influence.

Pain has few boundaries – it barges in uninvited at every age and stage of life – both inside and outside our faith communities. Jesus followers often come through the more visible and common forms of suffering with the much-valued support of Scripture, the Holy Spirit and caring people.

But sadly, deeper emotional and relational scars are often hidden from the eyes of even family and friends. They can be chronic, isolating, shame-based and hope-depleting. Regrettably, many pastoral teams are not equipped to shepherd people through these kinds of pain very effectively. They pray and give their best – but often are tapped out by the sheer variety, complexity and volume of pain.

Bev Hislop has given us a pastoral care gift that has the potential to change that paradigm. I really could have used this resource when I began my “trial and error” counseling/care approach. But it is never too late to learn – even for a pastoral veteran. I witnessed the formation of this equipping model and in the first six months, saw my pastoral care load decrease.

Bev’s shepherding model has been gestating much of her adult life. She has listened, learned and ministered to untold numbers of women in pain - as a pastor’s wife, as a pastor to women and as a seminary professor. She has also selected some seasoned “experts” to address significant subjects. Their experience and expertise, as devoted Jesus followers and care-givers, will inform, sober, counsel and inspire you.
If you need additional reasons for reading this book consider these:

Most male pastors are not equipped to be the primary processors of emotional pain for women.
The gap between what pastors and professional care-givers can provide often leaves people in limbo. Neither one has the time to track them once they leave our offices.
Pain that is not processed well, builds up scar tissue and usually surfaces in unexpected ways. Have you ever wondered why some “mature” believers behave the way they do? Sometimes the cause may be more related to suffering, than sin.
Being more informed about pain can produce greater compassion for people as well as heightened authenticity and relevance in public ministries.

Pastors and leaders, please become familiar with this resource. The potential “pay off” in terms of emotional and spiritual health is immeasurable. Refer to it for invaluable insights. And if you want to extend God’s grace more effectively, prayerfully place this book in the hands of a few women who, along with you, can become a catalyst for creating a new culture and a safe place for people to heal, as they follow Jesus.

I’d love to hear more of your journey in shepherding women. Your anxieties? Fears? Joys? Discoveries?

Hope-filled,
Bev