Marianne was the adopted adult daughter of a long-standing church family member. Marianne freely described the sorted details of her single life. Without hesitation she told me about the three different men (none of whom she married) who fathered her three children. The most recent man in her life was currently in prison. Even Marianne’s competence as a social worker did not bring order out of chaos in her life. No one seemed able to make her life work.

I was determined I could help Marianne turn the ship of her life around, given enough positive input and encouragement. I had assumed her family and friends were too quickly judging her, not giving her the positive input she needed to move forward. I set out to fill the role of Marianne’s personal encourager.

I began by telling her I cared and I wanted to spend time together. She called me regularly and talked until I ended the conversation, often one or two hours later. I wanted to “be there for her.” Each time I had a suggestion, or gave input, she would quickly assure me she had tried that. She went on to convey the latest drama with great relish.

After several months, I finally realized Marianne had no intentions of changing her life. She really liked her life the way it was. She enjoyed being center stage in family head shaking and “what are we going to do with Marianne” discussions. Her adventures provided new family stories. It was her role in the family system. It was what she knew best.

Through that very draining experience I learned several important guidelines (Do’s and Don’ts) for shepherding—here are only the first two.

1. DO discover if she/he really wants to grow or change.
We cannot assume that because people like talking about their problems, that they actually want to move forward. Giving Marianne suggestions, asking questions and giving her options were ways to discover her level of interest in changing her lifestyle. She not only did not want to receive input, she did not follow through with suggested options. Simply giving more encouragement and positive input are not magical formulas. The Mariannes in our communities can potentially drain even the best-intentioned shepherd. Shepherds need to set and hold clear boundaries, while evaluating their ministry priorities (which can be a healthy model to those we shepherd).

I finally acknowledged the value of balancing my time with people who have teachable spirits, people who want to move forward and will follow-through with suggestions or “homework.” Offering to meet a second or third time only AFTER they have completed a reading, or made a suggested contact may be a catalyst for them to move forward. This often provides the hope they need.

2. DO know “What I can do” and “What I cannot do.” The following list is only an example. Make your own list for each situation.

What I can do                                                      What I cannot do

1. Be an active listener                                       1. Change her
2. Designate time to be available                     2. Go without regular sleep
3. Get more help                                                  3. Do it all alone
4. Pray for her                                                       4. Cure her hurts or fix it
5. Suggest professional help                            5. Erase past pain/choices

You may want to share this list verbally with the person you are shepherding. This list would have helped both Marianne and me by forcing us to set healthy boundaries and realistic expectations. Unlimited listening time and twenty-four/seven availability alone are not the solution to another’s problems. Checking the list when I felt the urge to fix her problems would have confirmed my decision to do only “what I can do” while acknowledging “what I cannot do.” Obviously, items on the right of the list call for both Marianne’s involvement in the process, plus other people who are also willing to come alongside her.

Does this mean we ignore the “Mariannes?” Of course not! However, inviting the Mariannes to connect anytime and talk interminably is neither healthy nor effective. Expressing love and kindness can be done consistently, within healthy boundaries, while letting her know you are available for more extensive engagement when she is ready to move forward.

Meantime, pray!

See also Shepherding a Woman’s Heart, Beverly W. Hislop, Moody Publishers and Caring WithoutWearing, Carol Travilla, NavPress.