At times I have stood alongside grieving wives as they mourn loss in their marriages, armed with Kleenex and kindness, but with little idea of where to go from there.  Walking alongside someone as she journeyed through the complicated truth of her marriage was a painful honor and left me, as a potential shepherd, feeling helpless.  

The grief and emotional agony a wife experiences when she discovers her husband’s sexual misconduct overwhelms her and leaves her reeling.  She feels unable to cope with the crumbling truth she thought her marriage stood on.  As the pieces of her life fall around her, she feels as if her whole world is disintegrating, and she’s helpless to hold it together.  

Discovering emotional or physical infidelity is a form of death.  You cherished and trusted this man enough to let him know you fully—emotionally, physically and spiritually.  Now that man has broken your sacred trust, and when he did, something died.  You can no longer turn to him with the certainty that he will value and protect the intimacy you shared.  You can no longer go to him, knowing that when others reject you, he will still hold you precious and dear.  Your loss is real and it slices your soul.  

Through eyes clouded with pain, one woman told me, “It would have been easier if he had just died.  At least then I wouldn’t feel like a fool.  I wouldn’t have to live with the knowledge that he broke his commitment to me—that he betrayed me when I trusted him (Means, 124-125).

The impact of infidelity is so life-altering that many have to revisit the building blocks of self worth.  Dr. Pamela Reeve’s book Faith Is concisely and profoundly states, “Faith is…remembering I am God’s priceless treasure when I feel utterly worthless.”  Each hurting woman’s story is unique and affirming the deeply personal nature of God’s care is vital.  Many Christian friends may remind a wife of God’s love, but fail to factor in the subtle ways sin and society strive to counteract spiritual reality.  At these places of pain a biblically solid support group may be an option for rebuilding self-esteem and reasserting God’s value of the individual.  

As a person is sinned against, often their negative responses hurt themselves.  Things like substance abuse, sleeping the day away, sexual unavailability, addiction to romance novels, intractable anger and/or obsessive volunteerism are often used to create good feelings, numb the pain or work as protective devices.  These strategies need to be gently unearthed and shown for what they are at the appropriate time.  Because these problems are varied and complex, this may be a good time to refer the wife to professional counselors or addiction support groups. Shepherds are needed to walk alongside the woman as she processes these responses. 

Co-Dependency

Marsha Means’ book Living with Your Husband’s Secret Wars gives helpful insights and first-hand accounts.  It provides valuable assistance for those working alongside a woman grieving loss in her most intimate relationship.  Those shepherding women in pain must courageously take some uncomfortable but necessary steps.  While never blaming the woman in pain for the infidelity she has suffered, one may ask questions to determine the possibility of codependency—something shepherds may overlook—when journeying with the woman toward health.  

While not every marriage crisis has a codependent base, considering this dysfunction at the appropriate time gives the shepherd solid tools to work with.  The wife should be encouraged to look at how she copes with difficulty in relationships and from where these strategies may stem.  Having carefully investigated this, one can then offer new techniques for personal and relational growth.  

Forgiveness

The issue of forgiveness is thorny at best.  Many who have been victimized have also suffered from wrong teaching about forgiveness.  While taking the opportunity to really hear the deep hurt of the wife, one must both validate the pain and gently look at her coping methods; often then the shepherd will uncover false ‘forgive and forget’ messages.  

Responses to false ‘forgive and forget’ messages vary as much as the women in pain—you may see apathetic behavior, fiery indignation or something in between.  This is a great time to investigate what true forgiveness is not.  Tolerance of sin, acceptance of false blame and erasure of wrong-doing are not components of godly forgiveness.  

Deep forgiveness allows for no lying, no cover ups and no coping strategies.  It does not force the victimized person into relationship with the person who hurt her but it does allow for a healed relationship and marital reunion. When the shepherd takes time and uses caution, this honors the woman in pain with the opportunity to work through this crucial process.  Forgiveness is a process and working through the long slow steps to embrace honesty about the offenses is a critical component of that process. (See more on Forgiveness, “When Will Life Be Normal Again?” Shepherding Women in Pain, pages 27-34, Moody Publishers, 2010).

Many churches struggle with acknowledging the reality of both separation and divorce among believing spouses who have experienced sexual infidelity. Often a divorced or separated person can feel relegated to second class.  A three-second web search will lead you to pages and pages of Bible studies about God’s hatred for divorce.  Doing a similar search for Christian divorce will not result in the same number of positive hits, but those who desire to shepherd women in deep pain must look carefully to scripture for answers and have more than a cultural reaction to marital dissolution. If both husband and wife are willing to work through their own personal issues first, independent of the marital issues, there is a greater likelihood of a restoration of the marital relationship in the near future.  

One who is privileged to tread through difficulty with a person struggling with infidelity may also have the blessed opportunity to participate in transforming beauty. This will certainly take time. The formerly grieving woman has the potential to drink in the esteem of her eternal Shepherd in a unique way because of the shock and shame she has been through. If she needs to shed codependence or embrace forgiveness, her renewed relationships will show fresh promise. Her new healthy lifestyle can become a force for change in her community.  Shepherding this woman in pain may result in rejoicing alongside her as she makes wise choices for her future. 

See also, "Pornography: Help for Wives Who Have Been Betrayed by Spousal Involvement in Pornography," Chapter 19. Shepherding Women in Pain, Bev Hislop, Moody Publishers, 2010.