Many couples report having spent six (6) months to several years in marriage counseling. Some spouses were initially aware that their partner was a sexual addict while others found out later. Unfortunately, the sexual addiction was never addressed in the counseling appointments with the pastor/counselor.

Typically a couple will call a pastor/counselor for marriage counseling but that may not be what is needed. They feel pain in their relationship so they seek help to stop the relationship pain. Because they have stated that it is a marriage issue the pastor/counselor goes about helping them to deal with the identified marriage issues(s) while the real issue of sexual addiction is obscured.

When couples come in for marriage counseling, it is helpful to inquire about many areas of possible concern in the marriage. It is also beneficial to inquire about any areas in which either spouse may be struggling. The first session really needs to be a time of careful evaluation. After the evaluation is complete, if individual problems are uncovered the pastor may provide direction for finding individual help, i.e. a professional trained in treating depression, sexual addiction, a phobia, etc.

It is impossible to do marriage counseling with an active sexual addict. An active addict sees the world and life through the addiction. He/she will lie to cover up his/her behavior. He/she will be making plans to carry out the addiction so he/she will not be able to fully function in the marriage in a healthy way.

The addict will need to get specialized help to come out of denial, stop the acting out behavior, and understand the many thinking errors involved in his/her pattern of behavior. These are just a few of the issues with which the sexual addict will need help.

The betrayed partner needs to also come out of denial, assess the damage, feel the multitude of feelings, and learn how to draw bottom lines and many other issues depending on the individual.

When the couple is ready (after a year or so of individual work) to start marriage counseling they will have a lot of repair work to do, stemming from the addiction, before other marriage issues can be productively addressed.

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See Chapter 19 of Shepherding Women in Pain for more on the topic of “Pornography: Help for Wives who have been Betrayed by Spousal Involvement in Pornography,” written by Therapist and Co-director of Tuff Stuff Ministries, Dr. Sandy Wilson